The Diary of a Schizophrenic

Moving Onward

"I feel lost." That is what I think of when I think "Graduation". There is no good way to go about it. Your whole life is uprooted. Everything you have known for 18 years is destroyed. There is nothing left. "No friends, no fun, nobody to guide you. Everything is gone. Emptiness is all that is left." I don't want that anymore. No more sad faces and gloomy feelings. It is time to look up and ahead and bring yourself to your feet because kisses don't heal booboo's any more and you are a grown ass person. You are strong enough to get through this. You are not truly alone.

If you ask around, and around, and around, there will be at least one person who you can rely on to guide you. You have to go out and ask though, I won't be there to do it for you. I hate having to tell you this because all I wanted was to have a kind hand to guide me to my feet and to hold my hand through it all, but likely chances are that you aren't one of the fortunate ones. Neither of us are, and that's okay because we have the honor of creating our lives just the way we want them, we just have to put in a little bit more effort to get to where we want to be.

If you can't put in the effort for yourself then put it in to spite others. There are some pretty good chances that someone has told you that "you can't do it". Well they can shove a sock in it because you are glorious and kick-ass and able to create! Most people get crap handed to them and end up like tapioca pudding, blech. You get to create your own life and be friggin' curry! You can even be a flowerpot, screw the food analogies!

My point here is, life is always what you put into it. If you put effort in, you get that same effort back. In a little while it won't seem so hard, but you've got to get over that hill first. I want to give you the info to get up that hill a little easier, not easily, just easier. Growing up I had to do it all without help. I did my own laundry from age six, made my own lunches from age 4, walked to school by myself also from age 4. Trust me when I say that I know how much it sucks. All I wanted was some quality time with my family, even if it just meant being accompanied to school. Unfortunately I didn't get to experience that, but just because you haven't experienced it now that doesn't mean that you won't get to experience support and companionship in the future.

A lot of things in life we have to take with some salt, not just the sugar. Know that even I have been surprised at the amazing support there is when you least expect it, but desperately need it! It's okay to rely on friends for comfort, just don't dump your stuff on them, that's what a therapist is for. Stick to that and basic decency and you could have a friend for life!

If you need help with paying for a therapist, call any local therapists office and ask about a sliding scale or income based payment. Most times they can get you a therapist and you won't have to pay anything at all. You are allowed to tell them all of the horrible, nasty, embarrassing, and gruesome crap that is going on in your meatball. It is okay to not spare a single detail to them, just rip the floodgates open! Their job is to listen, and that means you can spill all the garbage that you have been dealing with behind closed doors, as well as things that have been done towards you in any and every way. They legally cannot speak of it, unless it is something regarding your personal safety, in which case they will notify the police or the qualified equivalent.

Needing help from the police is okay too. They aren't just there to persecute people for traffic violations or to be stubborn. Their legal duty is to protect people first and foremost, which is why they will call the police. It is not to get you into trouble, but rather so they can find the people who hurt you and to rip 'em a new one.

You will be okay my little birdies. There are greener pastures just beyond your sight, and they will always be there to greet you. Even if time snags you back to darker days, they will always be waiting. After all, healing isn't a straight line, its a scatter plot. It sucks. It is gross, and dirty, and messy, and tiring. Things will get messy before they get better, and that is okay. You will make it past this page in the book. It might feel like you are re-reading the same part over and over, but you will get past it eventually. You still have wings, it's okay to want to take flight. The fear will pass.