The Diary of a Schizophrenic

A sound mind

Perhaps I can attempt to describe my mind to you. My mind was a vast filing room, think of something similar to a comic, it had large towers of filing cabinets overflowing with craziness. I was a single person attempting to sort each page alphabetically and numerically as fast as possible while there were pages spewing from every file and cabinet in the vast sea of cabinets. Now add loud whispering and the most annoying sounds  you can imagine and there you have a more accurate picture into my mind.

Now for a perspective to my outer life as it was affected by my particular... gift. With all that was going on in my mind, there were also visual things going on that would even effect my ability to see the road clearly. I have seen animals that weren't there, cars that weren't there, cars that I thought weren't there but actually were, even sparkles, gnats, and people that weren't there. I have seen bees around me like a swarm, but it wasn't there, while I would be walking. I used to see ghouls and ghosts, even space ships that were flying overhead in midday, but they weren't there.

I am now on one of the strongest medications for schizophrenia and my mind is finally at peace. I can finally work without seeing customers that aren't there, without having severe bipolar mood swings, as that is another one of my diagnoses that I will discuss later. I can finally live without the constant taunting of my own mind telling me to kill myself, even if there was never a desire to do so in the first place. I am finally living. I am no longer just surviving. My life is so much freer now that I have gone through the process of admitting myself to the psych ward to get help.

If you don't have family who are supportive of medicine from doctors, just know you can check yourself into the ward, find doctors through friends, and even get government assistance for things like payment and prescriptions. Please don't be afraid to ask. Almost every single person I have opened up to, like 99% of them, have experienced these things in their lives. They are either going through it, have gone through it, know someone that they care about that has, or does deal with it.

It is okay to ask people for help, even if you don't know them. I find that even people who feel like they are just barely approachable can direct you to someone that can help you. I have been guided by many people that I only met once, just by crossing paths. Even then I was given amazing guidance. Let yourself be afraid, letting yourself feel afraid isn't shameful. By honoring that emotion you are letting yourself be true to you, and you are also letting yourself move past that fear to grow stronger because of it.