Arts of Heart

ART 74

WE CANT BE

Zachary is my bestfriend. He used to be my living pillow and my comforter when everything isn't okay. He's my number one supporter and the only person who can understand me. He treats me as his princess so I feel special whenever he's with me.

"Hey, what happened? Family problem again?" he worriedly asked. I start nodding my head as the tears fell on my cheeks.

"Are they fighting again? Did your father hurt you again? Tell me, I'm worried..." I cried more when I heard that from him. He's the only person who can make me feel this way--comfortable and safe.

He hugged me and caressed my back to stop me from crying. I used to depend myself on him that every single detail about me, I feel like I was obliged to tell it to him.

When I'm sad, he will make his way to make me happy. When I'm down, he would do stupid and funny acts to cheer me up.

"Ang saya natin, ah. Anong meron, ha?" I commented to Mitch, when I noticed that she was smiling.

"Hmmm, inlove eh." I immediately went near her and asked. I feel so happy for my bestfriend. Finally, she moved on from his stupid ex-boyfriend.

"At sino naman ang malas na lalaki?" I teased her but her lips pursed. Seems like something's bothering her. "Kilala ko ba 'yan? Anong problema?"

Aside from Zach, Mitch is one of my trusted friend. They're the only persons whom I told my problem. And I'm very glad that they always there for me.

"Hindi kasi kami p'wede. It's too complicated. Sasabihin ko sa iyo kapag kaya ko na." My brows furrowed of what she have said. This is the first time that she hesitates to tell me her problem. But still I respect her because she wasn't ready to share it.

"I understand. Just tell me when you're ready. I'm always here."

From that day, she often tell me how happy she is. Telling me how sweet her new guy to her. She also introduced me to him but just in the internet. I still don't have any idea on what he's look like. We had a little conversation but it was all about Mitch.

I pushed them because I could sense that they really love each other. They're just indenial. I became the bridge for them to be together. I was the happiest bestfriend when they announced that they're already official.

On the other hand, Zach never leaves my side. He's very attentive when it comes to my problem and feelings. Even the happenings about Mitch, he knew it because of me though they're also closed.

Until I realized that I'm slowly falling for Zach.

"Hindi pa rin ako matanggap ni Dad, Zach. Kinasusuklaman niya pa rin ang maging anak ako," I cried.

For the nth, he never leaves me until he wasn't sure that I'm already alright. For a moment, I can't help not to think that he also has a feelings for me.

I was about to dial Mitch's number when her name appeared on the screen of my phone. I smiled because her timing was just exactly.

"Please, huwag ka mabibigla. Kumalma ka ha. Sasabihin ko na." My curiosity starts to grow. Happiness filled my heart because finally my bestfriend will open up to me.

"It's about you, me and him." My heartbeat starts racing.

"W-who's him?" Idea continues popping on my mind but I just can't accept all of it.

"Zach...My boyfriend and Zach were the same person. I'm sorry, I know I deserve your hatred. May problema ka sa bahay niyo tapos dumagdag pa ako. Pero hindi na kasi kinakaya ng konsensya ko." After that I immediately ended the call. I can't process everything. My tears can't stop falling too.

How could they do that to me? How could the persons I trusted the most betrayed me? They let me believed on everything. Whenever I remember how stupid I am before, it makes me cry. They fooled me.

I waited for Zach's explanation but I didn't know that it will break me more.

"It wasn't my intention to fall inlove with her. I'm sorry, alam kong sobrang galit ka. Wala na akong mukhang maihaharap sa 'yo. Mitch wants to keep this because she doesn't want to hurt you. I tried to avoid naman pero wala, nahulog din ako. I'll wait until you're ready to forgive me, bestfriend. Lagi mong tandaan na ako pa rin 'to. 'Yong unan mo, Neo," he said over the phone. I covered my mouth so he can't hear my sobs.

I thought 'bestfriend' would be the worst word for us--me. But there is still one thing I can't accept in me like what my father's can't. That my heart is beating for the same sex as mine.

Yes, I am a gay.

Zach accepts me for who I am but he can't accept me as his lover and that made me sick.

I fell in love with a person I shouldn't have feelings for.

I just realized that I shouldn't depend myself to other. Too much trust will just lead me to dissapointment. I only have myself. The only person who can understand me is myself.

They not just betrayed me, they also lost my trust that is impossible to bring back.

It's okay to let them comfort you but don't forget to build even a small wall so when they hurt, betrayed, or leave you, you can still have that wall to stand up again without the help of others.

Don't assume things and especially don't expect too much because sometimes, instead of waiting ourselves to heal, we didn't notice that we're creating another pain that will break us more.

And don't for someone who isn't ready to hold you.