bad idea

Chapter 6 (NEW)

Ariana's Pov

I waited on my bed until Kai went inside her room and then decided to knock on our conjoined door, so the rest of the house wouldn't know.

"Come in," I heard her say.

I opened the door, watching as she sat on her bed and on her phone.

"Can we talk?" I said, awkwardly closing the door behind me.

"Yeah, what's wrong?" I noticed her attention was still on her phone.

"You kinda need to actually pay attention,"

"Oh shit, sorry," She placed down her phone and motioned for me to come sit on her bed. I was nervous about how this conversation was gonna go. I know it had only been a couple of hours, but our talking, and communicating, with no arguing or bringing up the incident, was all new to me. But I knew Nonna was right, so it was now or never.

"Do you hate me?" I asked flat out, considering it was the only way I knew how to say it in the moment.

She stayed silent for a minute like I caught her off guard, which I figured I would. "I don't hate you and to be honest, I listened to you and Nonna's conversation, and she was right. I don't think I ever hated you. What happened wasn't your fault, I...I just hate myself for letting it happen. If I would've stayed back longer, I could've saved them, and then I would've just died—"

"Stop," I said, not wanting to hear the rest of it, "You know they wouldn't want that,"

"Ariana, I told us to go!"

"It was my idea to double date!"

"But if we wouldn't have gone they would still be here. Nobody knows how hard it is, to be reminded of her all the time. I have a 'K' on my hand that I have to see every morning, I never expected to look at my left hand without being able to think about when we first got them and be happy. You don't get it, I'm alone, you have both of your parents, your grandparents, and your brother for god's sake. I can't cry to my parents about this or lean on a sibling's shoulder. I do have Matt, Willow, and Victoria, but I don't wanna burden anyone anymore. Everyone around me just dies and I'm stuck alone. I'm tired of being here alone, you were just able to move on so fast. I...I just want someone to be able to take away my problems like that again. She was the only reason my parents' death was easier to get over, so now I'm just stuck here. When Zayn goes back to Gigi, when Camila goes back to Lauren, at the end of every night, I go back to my bed. And just look at what we would've been. I even bought an engagement ring, the night before what happened. I gave her the promise ring and planned to give her the engagement ring when we made eight years. But instead, I had to put it on her while she was fighting for her life in that hospital. And that's what nobody gets," I watched as tears watered in her eyes, while mine just fell. I didn't get how she still didn't drop a tear after all of this time. I cried almost every time someone brought it up.

"I wasn't able to get over anything fast. Every day when I came home after the incident, I just smiled, and I had to pretend to be okay. Whenever someone asked if I was, the answer was always, 'yes' but every day of my life after the incident, I've had to put on a mask for everyone, because no one would understand. I spend all of my nights crying, looking through pictures, and just blaming myself. I hated when people would say that I hated you because I didn't, I thought I did but I was just angry at myself. I figured you hated me as much as I hated myself after what happened. Dalton was just there because I felt like he would help me get over losing him. As much as everyone labeled me a 'cheater', a 'slut', a 'hoe' for 'getting over him so fast', I never let Dalton kiss me. It was all just hugs. I didn't let Shawn either. That night, when you walked in, you saw wrong. Shawn handed me a drink when I arrived, and stupidly, I drank it. A few minutes later of talking with Shawn, I felt like I was gonna pass out, so he offered to take me upstairs and he just started peeling off my clothes. You stopped him. Justin's family had cameras, so I was able to see what all went down even though I was drugged. I was scared to let anyone kiss me, this is gonna sound stupid but I was—"