GIRLS / ONESHOTS

sun & moon - jinsoul x kimlip

request: yes! ot5forevaandalways hope you like it
trigger warning: suicidal themes, mentions of self harm 

How do you do that?

Honestly, Jungeun had never really understood her girlfriend. She's so full of life, so easily content with herself, and often so frustratingly positive Jungeun could almost roll her eyes. Jinsoul makes it all look so simple, Jungeun can't help but be a little jealous.

It's not her fault really, Jinsoul had offered Jungeun to go with her and her friends out ice skating. Yerim and Haseul had agreed, saying we'd love to get to know you more, Jungeun! You're very important to Jinsoul.

But Jungeun had shook her head, mumbling an excuse about work and studying. Jinsoul had left her with a disappointed frown and a kiss on her cheek, promising to be back in a few hours.

So Jungeun sat on the couch in their empty apartment, listening to the dim hum of the radiator working against the snowy winter cold. The apartment felt stuffy, but maybe that was because Jinsoul was gone. Maybe because Jungeun didn't feel like she could even breathe without her.

That gnawing feeling was back. Jungeun didn't even know how to explain it. She felt sickly, depressed, in a haze without Jinsoul. She was pathetic really, hanging on to Jinsoul, making her stay all alone in the apartment when she could've having fun.

I should've gone with her, gotten to know her friends better like she wanted. It's not like I have any, maybe they could be my friends too.

Jungeun felt a tear slip down her cheek.

No, I would've just ruined the whole day for them anyway. They didn't want me to come, they were just being nice. I would've brought the mood down. Jinsoul would've been embarrassed of me.

Jungeun felt a knot growing in her throat.

She deserves so much better than me. I'm not good enough for her, why do I even try? I depend on her too much. She probably thinks I'm annoying.

Jungeun wanted to text her, ask her if she could come come home and make everything okay again. She wanted Jinsoul to wrap Jungeun in her arms and make them watch her stupid dramas. She wanted them to stuff themselves with food and be to busy to even watch the movie. She wanted Jinsoul's soft gentle kisses, on her lips on her cheeks on her neck on her shoulders on her forehead.

But Jinsoul didn't need to be bothered right now. She was having fun with her friends, Jungeun didn't want to be a possessive asshole. And she really should get new hobbies that don't involve Jinsoul.

Jungeun nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt her phone buzz beside her, opening it to see a new message from Jinsoul.

Jinsoul is<3: miss you baby :(

I was so fucking stupid I should've gone with her.

Jungeun sighed aloud, burying her face into the pillow.

Why do I always do this? Make everything about me? She's probably upset that I'm not making an effort for her. I've really messed up.

Jinsoul is<3: are you feeling okay?

Jungeun didn't know how to reply. Would it be true to say yes? How should she tell Jinsoul that every moment of Jungeun's existence is devoted to the blonde, that she can't breathe without her, that she's currently sobbing over a simple text message?

Because she is. Jungeun didn't quite know what caused her to burst into tears, but it happens quite suddenly and once it starts it doesn't seem to stop. Jungeun was clutching her phone, tears streaming down her face as choked cries resonate across the apartment.