Refracted

- - 45 - -

"You knew about Alessa?"

I couldn't believe that Harleen had lied to me, all this time.

"I'm sorry, Verity. She made me promise not to tell you. She thought if you knew then you wouldn't come."

I faltered. She would have been right. If I knew that Alessa was waiting to control me once again, I probably would have taken my chances with Lucas. But that didn't give Harleen a right to be so deceitful.

"I just thought that I could trust you," I admitted. "Everyone else was lying to me and I thought you might be different."

Harleen's face fell and the guilt was obvious. I was still angry though. It felt like the whole world was against me and if it weren't for Elyse then I would have left. I couldn't betray her again though; when pressured, I was willing to kill her for my own gain and there was nothing I could do to take that back. Yet I vowed that I wouldn't make the same mistake again. She needed help and that facility would destroy her. I had to believe that somewhere Elyse was still waiting. That she would come back to me. That I could go back to her.

"I don't know what to say, Verity. Tell me, how do I make it better?"

I didn't have an answer. I needed a fresh start, I needed to get away. Once the rebellion was underway, I would be able to leave. I could go somewhere and be free. I could be happy. These people brought back too many memories. I had to go.

"You can't," I muttered to Harleen.

We stood there then. We stood in a silence that was not awkward but so full of emotion there was no knowing which was which. Everything Harleen felt, I felt too but this selfish, burning anger within me refused to forgive her.

Eventually, she had to go, summoned by Malik of all people. I had begun to see him around the camp more often since there were fewer here. Now it was just those who would overthrow Jiona that were left. Harleen was part of the scouting group. Her day consisted of mapping strategic advantage points and recovering any supplies she could get her hands on. Everyone here relied on everyone else. Without Harleen and her team, we would have no food and couldn't survive.

I hated being in debt to people.

I didn't want to owe anybody anything.

So I would do this one thing, I would make my announcement and I would inspire people to fight. I would fight myself. But then I would be done. I couldn't take it anymore. The lies, the betrayal, the feelings.

I couldn't be vulnerable. Vulnerability was weakness. Weakness could be exploited.

I had to leave.

Looking round, I saw that I was alone again.

The sky seemed to be in a constant state of darkness. Melancholy? Mourning? Didn't matter. Everybody felt the darkness.

I was beginning to doubt myself. I couldn't trust myself. I remembered how it felt when I was walking back with Harleen. It was my first time and I felt on top of the world but slowly, those feelings returned. The darkness sunk in again. Harleen felt it too but she remained hopeful, she focused on the positive. I didn't understand how. She tried to explain to me that it was important to enjoy the snippets of happiness, that you had to live every moment like it was your last. But that was what I didn't get. How could you enjoy anything if it was your last? It was a risky game to be playing, everything we were doing could be potentially fatal.

Did it matter?

Did any of it matter?

A difference in opinion.

Yet, Harleen was out feeding us while I was stood there: useless.

My legs began to cramp up from lack of movement but I stayed put. I was getting lost in my thoughts more frequently. The world was spiralling around me and I anything I touched turned to dust. How could I survive? How could I go on?

Last, last, last.

Moments.