You Keep Me Breathing (BoyxBoy)

Part 18

He sighed and walked out. He was more stressed than he let Mello see. And yet, when he closed the door, he just felt like it was all his fault, his mistakes, he was the one who it was to blame that Mello got hurt. He didn't really feel like eating. He felt like smoking and fucking dying. He silenty walked out and started to smoke, hanging his head and looking down. Mello. Oh, how he wished him to still be fine.

Mello was fine at first,sleeping soundly and he remained in the exact same position that Matt had left him in. He knew Matt was worried but didn't know that the gamer blamed himself. Mello ended up like this because of himself and he regretted it. But all the same there wasn't much that he could do. After awhile he began to get restless,tossing and turning In his sleep,gritting his teeth in pain as he did so.

He gave up. It was too much. He got up silenty and walked back in. Not a sound. He walked straight to his room and found his blades. It was his fault. What if Mello really felt awful and couldn't tell it? Why was Matt so annoying and stupid? He didn't even deserve the blonde's love. He cutted his wrist silenty, first once, then again, soon five times, then ten. Then, something stopped him. When Mello had looked at him while finding out the old cuts. His eyes. How he said he wished it would never happen to him. He dropped the bloody blade and in panic, finally managed to stop bleeding. Hiding the cuts with his long sleeved shirt and pushing the blade under his bed.

Mello tossed and turned constantly. He was having a nightmare ,recurring events swarming in his mind. There was so much fire. It was everywhere and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He hated fire not just because of the explosion but for another reason as well. He killed his parents in a fire before he came to wammys. It was an accident of course but still he blamed and hated himself for it. He just could not stop doing things he regretted. He coughed in his sleep and didn't wake unaware that Matt was busy fighting with his own demons.

Matt walked back to Mello's room, seeing him asleep and somewhat scared look. He kneeled next to the bed and took his hand, squeezing it slightly. Then he broke silenty crying to the blanket. Since when they both were like this?

Mello clenched it tightly suddenly and hissed. The dream was so vivid he thought it was real. He was shaking a bit and again turned sharply as if he was trying to avoid something. He cried out in pain not knowing he was damaging himself by doing this.

"...Mello? Mello!" He got up wiping his tears ashamed and shook the blonde. "Wake the fuck up...!" He was panicing a little.

Gasping in pain Mello immediately jolted awake ,panting heavily. He stared at Matt with wide eyes ,trying to catch his breath.

He hugged him tightly. "What's wrong? Mello please..!"

He shakingly hugged him back still breathing heavily. "F-fire...so much..fire..."

"It was just a dream, Mello... It's... Over..." Matt said, stroking his hair.

He tightened his grip on him and then closed his eyes as he steadied his breathing. "It ..it felt so damn real.." He muttered in a slightly shuddery voice.

"Shh... Everything is alright. Nothing Bad has happened, Mels. Just a dream." He told him, wanting to calm him down.

"Fire..it likes to haunt me" he murmured half to himself. He kept his eyes closed but didn't dare go back to sleep. "Yeah.. I know.."

"I'll stay here, it's alright. I'm just going to get you some chocolate." He carefully let go and patted his head. "There's some in the kitchen." He got up, and returned in a minute with a chocolate bar.

Mello slowly blinked open his eyes and stared at him and the chocolate bar. He smiled a little bit and carefully sat up wincing slightly.

"Be careful, please," he asked and gave it to him.

Mello nodded and took it from him. "Thanks.." He said seeming distracted and unwrapped the bar and took a bite. After swallowing he noticed a spec of red on Matt's sleeve out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head and looked at him straight on.

"Something wrong?" Matt asked nervously.

Mello stared at him for a few moments in silence. He then turned his head away from him and suddenly threw the chocolate bar across the room in anger ,it hit the wall and snapped in half then fell to the floor. Soon after Mello sunk his head In his hands,his hair sweeping over.

"M..Mello...?" He asked again his voice shaking. He kneeled, still not really finding out what made him so angry.

Mello didn't answer. He knew exactly. He wasn't stupid. This hurt yet he did it too which is why it hurt more. He honestly didn't know what to think or do. He began crying into his hands and did not look up.  He was angry because he was upset.

He bit his lip and hugged him tightly. "Mello please... What is... Wrong...?" He was scared, since he was guessing.

Mello let him but didn't embrace him back. He shook his head,still crying and refused to look up. He wasn't one to cry or at least no one would think it but he just couldn't hold back the tears. "Don't..don't be so stupid.."

"B-but Mello, did I do something wrong? Look, everything is alright, just tell me what makes you this upset!" He started to cry as well.

Mello choked on his tears ,slowly lifted his head up and looked at Matt with sorrowful eyes. His face was filled with dispair. "No n-nothing is okay...I'm weak as fuck having nightmares  and you're cutting yourself when I'm asleep!! How is that okay!?" He cried out.

He froze completely. "I... It's not how it looks like!" Even when it was a lie. "Mello, it's not that!"

He blinked at him. "Why lie to me?" He said sadly and looked down for a moment and then looked back at him. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"he said then and tried not to break down in tears again.

"I... I didn't mean to... Please don't... Look..." Matt whispered weakly, looking at him.

Mello took a deep breath closing his eyes.  He was on the verge of tears again but managed to hold them back for the moment.  He didn't answer and was trying to tell himself in his head to stay calm.

He stroked Mello's hair first, but then realized his sleeve was bloody. He pulled his hand away so scared what the blonde would say or do. Would he be more angry or sad? He had no idea.

Mello flinched as he did so. After what seemed like an hour of silence he finally opened his eyes. He sighed deeply. He wasn't going to do anything ,he was just trying to calm himself down. His anger seem to have left him now all that was left was emptiness and sadness. 'Tell him...no..I can't..'

He held his wrist shaking. Damn, it hurt. Yet, it didn't hurt so much as the reaction he got from the one he loved.