Searching For Her

Chapter Eleven

The first months of when he took me, from the stress, I hadn't had a period those few months. However, for the past two months, I've been regulated. This time, I knew it wasn't coming.

One night, he brought me into his room but we just lied on his bed. His hand caressed my stomach and he hummed. He knew.

"I knew we'd get it right."

Everyday since I've been violently ill with morning sickness. I could barely hold anything down that wasn't liquid. Thankfully, he was so caring. He'd let me stay in his bed for most of the day and bring me drinks and food. One week, I'd finally gotten a break from the constant vomiting. He brought me downstairs for a surprise.

"Don't peak."

I giggled. A breeze pushed past my bare legs and I shivered. Were we outside? His hand pressed against my lower back and we walked together. I flinched at the rough wood on my feet.

"Open."

I opened my eyes. I gazed around, smiling. The autumn leaves covered the soggy ground and the bare trees rustled endlessly from the wind. I wrapped my arms around myself at the nippy air. Was it really December? His arm wrapped around my waist and he pulled me close. I rested my hand onto his chest and breathed in the crisp air.

The cool damp smell made me excited. We stood outside for a while. Suddenly, it started snowing. I watched in awe at the frozen pellets of snow falling from the sky. Chris brought me inside and we warmed up together in the living room in front of the fireplace. I sat in his lap with a blanket wrapped tight around the both of us.

Somehow, I wasn't repulsed by him anymore. We were together. We were a team. Nothing would tear us apart.

Or so I thought.

I once asked about doing holidays since Christmas was coming up but he refused. He believed that it wasn't necessary. As the new years came and went he was having to leave more. I didn't like it. The house was eerie when I was alone. However, he reassured me that it was just to keep our growing family together. Although he never said it, I was sure he was leaving to work somewhere.

He'd be dressed spick-n-span. A nice, plain button up and dark dress pants with dressy shoes. Sometimes he'd even take a briefcase with him.

Everyday was relatively routine. We'd have breakfast together. Then, he'd give me a kiss on the cheek before he'd leave. When he was gone I'd take care of the household chores. I'd go upstairs and make my bed. Since I was pregnant he leaned away from us making love.

I use the bathroom and change into some daytime clothes. Next, I'd go down to the kitchen and wash the dishes. Then sweep the whole downstairs area. Once that's finished I start opening up the curtains to bring in some more light.

Sometimes, if I'm feeling up to it, I like to dust, too. The house is lovely. Although I barely saw the outside, the inside was excellently cared for. It was so cozy. Like my home. I try not to think of my past life too much. The thought of my mother crying and drinking didn't settle well.

In the living room there was a large bookcase at the center wall facing the front door. Whenever I'm finished with chores I like to sit and read. Recently, by Chris' request, I've been reading some pregnancy books. I was finally getting used to being here. Everything was becoming routine.

The walls are panelled with wood like a cabin. Around the main entrance there is stone along with the fireplace. I like to run my fingers in the grooves just to get the feeling of being outside. A shelf above the fireplace looked empty and solem. Maybe one day I'd be able to decorate it with some knicknacks.

Sometimes Chris lets me out on the back patio. It overlooks the other half of the property with more woods. There was a large hickory tree that I admired. One day I'd reach that tree with my little one. Maybe we'd even put up a swing for them.

That evening, Chris came back. I greeted him at the door, took his coat, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Welcome back, sir."

With a small smile he answered plainly back.

"Thanks."

Something was wrong. His face was pulled tight into itself at something wanting to slip from the tip of his tongue.

"What's wrong, sir?"

I stared into his dark eyes, worried. We stared at each other before he escorted me to the couch. We sat together and I folded up his coat on my lap. Chris took in a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to tell me.

"It's about your mother, Karmen."

My breath got stuck up in my throat. I stared at him.

"What about her?"

"She's dead, Karmen."

No. I looked away from him, clenching tight onto this coat. My fingernails dug deep into the stitches.

"It was in the paper. She was drinking and driving. She swerved off the road into a ditch going at least ninety-five,"

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and rubbed at my back.

"I'm so sorry, Karmen."

I sucked in quick breaths as tears waved up into my eyes.

"No, no, no. It's not true."

I turned towards him and pushed my hands into his chest.

"It can't be! She —"

Sobs left my body in heavy waves. I cried and cried. Chris tried to console me but I shoved him away. The anger in his eyes didn't even falter the tears streaming down my face. I tossed his coat at him and quickly went upstairs to my room.

I flopped onto my bed and sobbed into the blankets. It was my fault. Because I was gone she had been drinking and I hadn't been there to drive her home. But how could she be dead? She's so strong. My mom. She's my home. My rock. Oh, why. Why? Why!

My tears finally stopped after hours later. Eventually, in exhaustion, I fell asleep.