Submitting

Heavenly

The chair scraped against the carpeted floor, not loud but the cocooning silence made it seem so harsh against the muted ears. Perhaps the beginning of the dramatic events that were supposedly lined up next. A siren, a red flag, a blow of a whistle as my captor refused to match my eyes while taking the seat opposite to me. The third one still empty and unoccupied. 

I wanted it to be Liza. I wanted to believe it was going to be Liza but of course it won't be. It will be a good sign if it wasn't Liza because then it would mean that they didn't know about my secret knowledge. Needless to say the obvious, this night would have turned out to be more deadly than it already was.

Sometimes I really wonder if I am stupid. Too dumb and foolish to realize the obvious. A disappointment. Probably the reason why I may never make it out of here. How could I not realize that the third seat would be for the third person living in this house. A living, breathing, annoying and callous human being with a twisted sense of humour. I wonder if he is worse or could be worse than my captor himself.

Ivan sat in the odd chair as if he does it every time while Dimitri pretended to be accustomed to the same. His smile unwavering as he clapped his hands like a joyous little kid having dinner with his beloved family and at the same time be the responsible host as he removed the decorative cloches and revealed the array of dishes he had prepared with the littlest bit of help from me. 

Squash soup, turkey with stuffing, velvety mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, glazed carrots, cranberry sauce, cast iron skillet cornbread and a pumpkin pie.

A perfect dinner, a perfect cosmetic setting, a perfect thanksgiving night. Two perfectly splendid men and two ungrateful women. One in front and one underground. Living a life of freedom. Immunity from the harsh world outside. An isolation for the free spirited. A safe haven they created for the women they...care about? Love?

I couldn't afford to have a panic attack in front of them. Not a single sign of weakness should be on display for their sick pleasure of getting a reaction. Any reaction at all because the fact that they affect me in any sort or form makes them feel like winners. 

Deep breaths. Deep. Breaths.

I opened my eyes and picked up the fork. A plate of delicacies placed in front of me as the perfect prop to pretend the idealism they want and forced to be true. A perfect little family.

A hand swifty swatted me off as soon as I thought I had composed myself. The fork dropped from my hand and on the rug with a soft thud. Hitting the right note, a perfect sync with my heart. Frozen, I blinked a couple of times and didn't dare move my gaze to his face as he chided me for not saying grace or being thankful before I got to have the thanksgiving dinner.

He placed each of his hands on both side of the round table with palms faced upwards. A gesture to show and tell, an invitation to hold his hand for the prayer he was about to say which I obliged to. Dimitri's hand on the other end reached out as well. Palms open, an invitation not rejectable as his eyes scored me sharp. I didn't need to see him to know that. 

Warmth engulfed both my hands as I tried not to inhale a shaky breath. I was overwhelmed beyond the thin red line. The wish to be anywhere but here was immense, and I'd rather be anywhere else but right now I was not mine to control. I had to do what was asked and gestured of me. Not because I wanted to take part in whatever this was but because of the reason I did anything around here. 

I was forced to. 

Head held down, impelled into compliance.

"Heavenly Father, thank you that you for being the source of all true joy in life. Your word says that everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is blessed by the word of God and prayer. Please help us to receive all the good gifts you give us with thanksgiving and gratitude in our hearts. You have loved us and have freed us from our sins by Jesus' blood. To you be glory and dominion forever and ever. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord, Amen." 

I didn't close my eyes throughout the painfully long prayer. Counting the seconds till I could pull away my hands from their gentle grasp which soon turned into a strong hold from Dimitri's side as his palm clenched around mine and drew small circles with his thumb. He hadn't forgotten me like I hoped he had. But the sudden shift in his demeanour really made me wonder what had changed his ignorance towards me in this short amount of time.

I was not going to look at him to find answers. I couldn't afford to go back to the state of panic.

"Amen." I couldn't bring myself to say what Dimitri said loud and clear. It's true that I was never the religious kind. Not because I didn't believe in God, but to believe in a constricted religion was never my point of view. Liza used to tease me about it, for being different. Not in a bad way but for having distinctive views or rather being innovative with them. I believed in God and the universe but not the fact that I should blame him for everything that happened to me in the past. 

Tonight I almost felt like going against my views and do blame him because there was nothing else I could put my heavy heart on. To defy the utterance of 'so be it'. I just didn't want it to be so.

"Very well then. Bon Appétit!"

Dimitri's hand still didn't let go quite as soon as it should have while Ivan completely ignored the ordeal and sliced into the Turkey and started serving us our portions. The soft melody of indie pop played in the background with the quiet clatter of the forks and knives against the plates. They started eating. I sat there quietly. Frozen in the paralysing thick tension in the room. 

The food, as delicious and mouth watering as it looked, didn't succeed in raising up an appetite like it should have. Warmth fogged in the air and the array of food looked mouthwatering tasteful but how could I eat when Liza was just a few steps away from me, locked and tortured. I wondered if she even got any food today because Ivan was with me the whole time and Dimitri was mostly out. 

"The food is not going to eat itself, Rosie." Ivan spoke to me like I was a child who didn't know any better. A naive little girl who was a stranger to what was hiding in the shadows. And from his perspective it was true. He didn't know and I was relieved. 

I picked up a second fork and stabbed up some mashed potato to put it in my mouth. All I tasted was nothing as I slowly chewed the food against my tongue that felt burnt. I couldn't or wasn't able to savour what they did. It felt like dirt or nothing at all, and yet I had to eat. The reason already specified.

"I wish we could have had another occupied seat. It would have been a double date." My movements stopped and so did Dimitri's as he stared at me while I did the same at Ivan.