Submitting

Unsalvageable

I kept my eyes closed when I woke up. Perhaps I didn't sleep at all, or maybe I did, it was hard to tell. My head was too colluded with thoughts and things to be able to be present in this continuum. My frozen body was nowhere near to being the correct projection of my racing mind. It was almost too many things to be able to focus on one particular state.

I was losing myself. 

Or evolving into something most don't. Is this how humanity mutates? Through pain and suffering, perhaps. It reaches a point of desensitization. Numbness to what once used to feel like immense pain. Shocks instead of surprises. Pain instead of pleasure.

"You should know something." I was startled at my own lack of reaction. As if I already knew he was there. Subconsciously at least.

His words were slow and close. I wasn't aware of the dip in the bed beside me, but now his mere presence burned a hole there. The silence that followed after his unfinished or rather discontinued speech didn't help either. I was ambivalent between responding to show my acknowledgement of him, and pretending to be asleep. The latter wouldn't have worked that well I suppose. This should've gotten old, but he never failed to astonish with his knowledge about everything that concerned me.

"What?" A mere whisper or maybe not even that as I may have just moved my lips in the air, but he heard me as he paused just a second before talking again as I listened still with my eyes closed.

"I am not sure if I should though. This might make me seem like a coward and to be honest I don't know what else, but it seems like a better option for you to find it out yourself. I just want you to know that there was nothing I could do." He seemed to have drifted off in his thoughts as he stopped talking for some time while I laid there beside him, waiting for him to proceed. 

"Things are going to change." The last thing he said before he got up swiftly and walked out of the room. The door shut quietly behind him when I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. 

Sunlight streamed in through the windows. A strong glow as it reflected off of the snow and blinded everything in its wake. The soft and dull chirps of the birds reverberated in the room while I couldn't decide when to finally get up. Maybe I didn't have to. If I could just fall asleep once again and not be here then I won't have to face what Dimitri said I would. He didn't say much, but he said enough for me to understand the fact that it was going to be anything but pleasant. 

With a sigh on my lips I blinked my eyes slowly one last time before getting up and removing the thick weighted comforter off me. It felt nice under there. Like I was held in a warm embrace, surrounded and in care, cocooned in a world where nothing exists. Nothing in itself is peaceful. At least if the other cards dealt are not what as much favourable. 

The wooden floor beneath my feet felt warm to the touch as I made my way towards the bathroom. Uncanny since they never used the heating system a lot or at least when I first came here. Things were slowly changing, little by little. They were up to something, but these changes didn't show any red flags yet, so I wasn't sure what the point was but Dimitri being Dimitri and Ivan being Ivan, there's always a catch. 

Awh, poor Rosie I've given you enough hints. It's practically in front of you.

The lighting in the bathroom was different. A warm glow instead of that irritating white led before. It was more accepting to the eyes and less of a headache. Another subtle change in the environment which made me wonder if things behind the scenes have changed too.  I stared at the mirror, used to the reflection that I saw there, as I picked up my hand and touched my index finger on the mirror. 

It should have meant something. I couldn't quite remember the specifics. Was it the one with the gap between the finger or the one without the gap that could tell if it was a double-sided mirror or not. Did it even matter any more? He must have already seen me...

A sigh on my lips ended that turmoil in my mind as I quietly grabbed the towel from the sink cabinet and draped it over the mirror. I couldn't and didn't have the energy to spend another moment thinking. Doing physical activities seemed hard enough. Dragging the tooth brush back and forth against my mouth. Once, twice, thrice, enough. Just something that normal people have to do because...that's what makes them human. I think I was hardly cut out for the normal part. 

I washed my mouth, the urge to splash my face with water was non-existent, so I just skipped that and decided to find the man, the only other living being in this bubble right now. That small spark of hope keeping the need to get Liza back still and alive. I would have to invest all my energy and focus on that one man and decipher his unspoken commands like I can read his mind like an expert, like he read mine.

The clatter in the kitchen was an audible signification of his whereabouts. He was cooking something, trying his hand at pancakes. The warm scent wafting in the air, a little burnt perhaps. I looked at the batter and noticed the consistency being a little off as well. He put too much water in it. Another glance at the pan as well as the plate beside it proved my theory right as what seemed to be a bunch of mashed, cooked, burnt, batter laid in heaps. 

I always thought of him as a person who can do everything that possibly exists. He seemed so well put together at all times, at least when he shows himself in front of people, that it was hard to think otherwise. Apparently I was wrong.

The need to announce my presence hardly felt necessary as I made my way towards the stove and grabbed the pan by the handle in one hand and placed my other palm in front of him, a gesture to ask for the spatula he was holding like a weapon. The warmth that had seeped into the metal form from his touch made contact on my rather frozen hand as I clutched it around my fingers. A strange reminder that he is human. Living, breathing, person that has not so obvious flaws too. Ones that aren't expected and turn out, out of the blue. 

The syrup consistency of a pancake on the stove was unsalvageable as I scraped it off the pan and dumped it on its ancestors. The rest of the batter would have turned out the same if I didn't fix. If he didn't know how to make pancakes then I doubt he made the mix himself. With one swipe of a finger I picked up a dab of that cloudy liquid and realized it tasted fine which meant it was one of those pancake mixes and sure enough I found the box of it laying on a different counter. 

A couple of spoonfuls did the trick and made the mixture a lot better. The hot pan sizzled and hissed as I placed one scoop of it and swirled it to form a circle. Few seconds later it was ready to be taken off and placed on a new plate which I lacked at the moment and I didn't know the kitchen properly or where the things were kept to grab one myself either. It felt weird too, to take charge of the kitchen so suddenly as Dimitri stood right beside me, staring at the pan like a hawk and possibly me as well from his peripheral vision. We had yet to exchange words since I stepped in. The plate seemed like a safe exchange of words.

I opened my mouth to ask him for one, but he moved swiftly and opened a cabinet to produce one without a request. It was okay with me. No words were more than fine. 

This interaction we were having was maybe the most normal one we ever had. Of course, I had my hidden intentions, but this wasn't exactly the ace move for it. He felt normal I guess. It made me wonder how long this would last.