Pearls Of Deen

An open letter to Muslim parents

By Bint Yunus Essack

Bismillah hir rahmaan nir raheem

Before I begin, I'd like to highlight three things: Firstly, like everything in life, this is not a blanket statement that applies to every teenager/young adult, but rather an assessment of the feelings of many, many youth who have confided in me or expressed their thoughts with regards to this issue. This will be expanded on in due course. Secondly, this letter has not been written on a whim, though it has been on my mind for quite some time. I recently sent out a survey pertaining to this issue, that was responded to by approximately fifty young adults, and this is simply a reflection of the answers and thoughts of the respondents. I've also interacted extensively with people on social media platforms, and this is the sum of those conversations. Finally, while this letter is a plea to our parents to understand the perspectives and experiences of the youth, we do not, by any means, seek to undermine your capabilities and judgement as a parent. We merely hope to portray the full picture to you, and thus make you aware of some realities, thoughts and feelings that you yourself may have had as a teenager, but may have forgotten, or that are new occurrences in this ever-changing world.

Dear parents

I am writing this letter to you on behalf of your daughters and, to an extent, sons, who may be too shy or scared to say this to you. The subject matter – marriage, romance and hormones – may be uncomfortable (as a disclaimer, this letter is candid, explicit and honest) to read about, but nevertheless, it is an important topic that I plead with you not to ignore.As Muslim parents, one of your greatest hopes is for your children to maintain your izzat (respect), maintain their chastity and eventually, through this, marry a pious spouse who will be their first romantic partner and their introduction to romance. Unfortunately, my objective in writing this letter is to make you aware that though noble, this concept is close to impossible to maintain, especially when the process of obtaining this halal introduction to romance is delayed.

Firstly, let's look at the concept of "teenagers." Biologically, we know that hormonal changes occur within pubescent girls and boys that are beyond their control. From around the age of 9 for girls, and 12 for boys, physical and emotional changes, as a result of hormones, become apparent in pre-teens. By the time girls reach fourteen and fifteen years of age, and boys reach sixteen or seventeen, these hormones tend to play a massive role in their decision-making and their choices. During this period, teenagers become interested in sexual topics, replace many of their hobbies with obsessing about the opposite gender, and begin needing, not just desiring, some level of love and romantic fulfillment. At this point many non-Muslim teenagers, and less Islamic Muslim youth, are given the green light for dating and getting to know the opposite gender. As Muslim teenagers, we aren't sheltered from what's happening around us, and our curiosity is naturally heightened by the exciting, illicit nature of romance (as most of us girls are strictly forbidden from interacting with males).

Now, given that our biological makeup naturally leads to sexual and romantic curiosity at the rather tender age of thirteen and fourteen, it is even more concerning that as youth, we are exposed to such a large variety of explicit content. I recall the girls in my Grade 6 class excitedly discussing the newest edition of Cosmopolitan magazine that they had taken off the shelves of a supermarket and skimmed through when their parents weren't looking. Back then, the majority of us didn't have access to phones and the girls would huddle together to discuss topics that they found both intriguing and confusing. Looking back, the situation is incredibly disconcerting and as an adult now (if 18 qualifies me as one), it concerns me that children have access to content that delivers a false and glorified perspective on rather sensitive issues. Nevertheless, the situation then, in our phone-less age, was much less concerning than it is now, when most children from as young as 6 years old have access to technology, from iPads to phones, even if it isn't their own. The app Tik-tok has risen in popularity during 2020, and the sheer amount of borderline pornographic content available on the app is appalling. What age are the majority of their users, you may ask? 9. I repeat, NINE. While children who are given their own devices to use unmonitored at such a young age are most vulnerable, children without devices but with access to family devices are also susceptible. If your child is using Instagram on your phone, or has access to the family computer, they are equally capable of viewing this content and hiding the evidence, or of speaking to the opposite gender and removing all traces of that content. Thus, regardless of whether your child is homeschooled or attends a public school, their exposure is not restricted.