IN A MEMORY

GUILT

GUILT
There are different types of guilt. The guilt of committing a crime by going against a country’s laws, and that of making mistakes against your conscience.
 The guilt of committing a crime is determined by the court of law and the consequences are faced outright and have an end. However, the other kind of guilt is deep within you. To be able to feel the internal guilt you need to first have a conscience. Your conscience is the judge of actions and those actions sometimes prove them to be mistaken. Every action reacts whether positively or otherwise. God gave us free will to do or not do. When we do something, we expect results. When a student studies hard in school he or she is doing so expecting good results. You can never do a negative thing and expect positive results. I do not mean it is always the result of what is expected but my point is what we expect. Sometimes we may do wrong but the Supreme has mercy on us and the results are not bad. Our expectations are my keyword.
When we make choices, we mostly do what we think is what is right for us or what we think we want or need at the moment. The choices whether good or bad are guided by who you are and what your mind tells you more than what is expected from you by religion, society, or family at that moment. Society, religion, or family expectations from you are not always wrong or right, but God gave each human the choice of how they live but sometimes He offers us His divine assistance. The freedom in our society now is mostly expressed after one has turned eighteen years old. There becomes a deeper need to have control of your life which is important to avoid the blame game when consequences befall in the future. When you make a choice and it turns out to be the right one no matter how many people were against it; you are proud. The same goes when it turns out to be the wrong one, you accept the consequences. I do not mean it won’t hurt but ultimately the pain will fade away at some point leaving an experience that helps you grow and learn. 
However, Some mistakes the consequences do not only affect you but also the people around you. The choices you made and you come to realize that the consequences have brought pain to those who you love, there comes internal guilt. It destroys from the inside and all you want is to try to reduce the pain of those who you care about. The guilt grows when you realize that those who are suffering due to your choices have done nothing against you, the only thing they did is care about you enough to help you succeed in life. You are filled with regrets but those never do anything to help the situation. The trust and hope your loved ones had beheld for you disappears and it seems like nothing you could ever do to restore it. The mistakes, you never did them with any intention of hurting anybody. When you tell the truth early enough, the guilt fades and your conscience is at peace.
Some of us keep making mistakes one after another some come out and we are forgiven. The love, our loved ones have for us never changes. Most of the time we wait to get caught as we never had intentions of revealing them in the first place. So what is revealed we accept, ask for forgiveness, and promise never to do it again but we never mean it. Sometimes we are not ready to leave the life we choose for ourselves wrong or right. We know according to everyone it is wrong that is why we apologize when we get caught.
There is a type of mistake that we have made by making the wrong choices through the course of living our life that even our conscience knows is wrong. This is the kind of choice we hope with every fiber in our beings we will be able to correct. That is never possible what is done is done. The mistakes are so big that we dread when people will come to know about them. Those who we have wronged become a constant reminder of what we have done. We are too comfortable in our secrets, to tell the truth. We reason that by doing so, we will be able to keep their love for us and the peace they fill. In the course of being comfortable, we do not learn and keep repeating our mistakes. We still are comfortable as long as they do not know, no one will get hurt including ourselves. What we do not understand at that time is that someone is getting hurt and that is you. The secret as it grows becomes a weight on our shoulders, the more time passes by the more the weight becomes heavy. Time also starts fighting to expose the truth. The secret becomes unbearable to keep but we still hold on to them.
As time goes by, our conscience becomes our worst enemy. It guilt trips us; it ensures we never get peace. The only thought in mind then is you need to make things right. You need to tell the truth no matter the consequences. Some people are strong enough, to tell the truth, and face the consequences that follow. Others are never ready to face the consequences all they know is they need to tell the truth. They keep telling themselves they need more time before coming clean. They know they cannot change the past only the future. They also know regrets will not change anything. All they think they need is time to find a way to make things right their way but time waits for no man though.
Guilt can break one’s inner self,
Sometimes we make mistakes,
And the consequences come to haunt us,
The voice inside you keeps haunting, 
It counts the wrongs you have done,
Over and over again,
Like a terrible song,
No one likes their mistakes exposed,
Especially when you know,
How much pain those who you care about will feel,
If they come to know what you have done,
You know you need to make everything right,
But where to start,
You have no clue,
Sometimes we give in to the world’s darkness,
Because we think it is preferable,
Then you continue to mature,
And go through life,
Only to understand how wrong you have been,
You believed and trusted the wrong things,
You thought you were right then,
Ooh, how wrong you were,
Then you start changing the course of your life,
Sometimes it is too late though,
The ghosts keep following you everywhere,
You thought the mysteries of life you have solved all,
The truth you are faced with,
You think hiding your secrets from those who care,
Is the best way to cure the darkness,
The only way to avoid more pain,
The sensitive way to deal with loved ones,
So you keep the secrets,
Then you realize it was the worst thing to do to yourself,
You keep drowning in the darkness,
The path you choose,
That you know is the right one,
You keep going backward,
Always back you go,
Even if the place you need to go,
You do not need a map,
You are already addicted to the darkness,
When you can’t resist the pull,
Some will even go further,
Saying you don’t want to resist,
But you never accept the defeat,
The next day you start walking again.
you know you did wrong that is never the problem. You are also ready to correct all the mistakes in your life. You understand now what you did was not right. You have a plan or even plans on how the wrongs can be made right. You have no plan of living in regrets or guilt. All you need is time to make things right. The problem you have with telling the truth is not because you do not want to. The question that always instigates in your heart is, how will they react? You know their reaction will not be good, you are ready for that. How bad will their reaction be? This question becomes a barrier and the fear it brings to your heart, is intense. The wrongs you have done you well know do not need forgiveness, they do not deserve understanding. All that you are sure of is that there will be consequences and if you are thinking that when you are the wrongdoer, the betrayed are justified to react worse. You also well know even if you continue keeping the secrets, the truth will be revealed eventually. It is either you confess or wait until time finds a way to do it for you.
It is always good to plan first before you act. It is also right to break bad news with good news present to help reduce the pain of the blow. Hence, one tries to do anything possible to ensure while they are preparing to confess their mistakes they have proof of how sorry they are and how they are ready to make everything right. Every situation is different and therefore, should be handled differently. The only common thing is eventually whether you like it or not the truth will come to the right.
Michael is a married man with two children. He is over thirty years old now and had been married to his wife for over ten years. He loves his family and could do anything to keep them as they have been, happy. His wife loves him so much and expresses it every time she gets a chance. He also tries to show her how much he values her in his life, and how happy he is for the precious gifts they have made together each day. He was contented.
Before meeting his wife, he had a girlfriend that he had truly loved. Things between them were so complicated that at some point they broke up. They did not end things between them because they did not love each other anymore. His wife even knows about that part of her husband and accepted it since she recognized and believed that it was a past that her husband was over. They did not talk about Esther (the ex-girlfriend of the husband) anymore. They had moved on.
One year during Michael’s thirty years old life, he met Esther. At first, everything was alright. When Michael was offered friendship by Esther he was okay with it. He had moved on, he had a family that he loved there was no harm in just a friendship. In the case of talking and spending time with each other as friends, they realized that the feelings were still there. They both tried to resist, the feelings that they had for each other convincing themselves they did not exist. Michael had a family that he would not exchange for anything, Esther was contented with her life the way it was as a single mother. There were secrets they were keeping from each other though.
The truth was when they separated, Esther was with the child but did not inform Michael. Michael's love for Esther never faded, he just accepted the situation. He never wanted to acknowledge his love for Esther, he only settled for his wife to try and be happy. Esther swore for all those years they were apart when it was over Michael and did not need him to help in raising their child. After they met the truth was right in front of their face and no matter how much they tried to separate the emotions to face the reality it became impossible.
At some point, they did let themselves go. The love they had for each other would not be resisted anymore. They gave in. they knew it was wrong. Michael knew what he was doing would affect his family while Esther knew being involved with him meant the secret she had kept would be exposed. The heart wants what it wants though. 
The guilt started haunting them both not because they thought what they were doing was wrong but because they knew the pain it would bring to who and what they love. Esther was the first to give in by telling Michael about their child together. Michael is a family man; he knew he needed his child with Esther to be a part of his life. However, he did not know how to accomplish that without breaking his family. He needed Esther, the child, and his family in his life. He decided to tell his wife the truth about the child but not his relationship with Esther. He loved his wife but he was in love with Esther. Michael’s wife allowed him to see his child as long as their children did not know about it and never to see the child herself.
When the wife heard about the child, she knew Michael was also seeing his ex-girlfriend but she never asked Michael about it. She was trying to prevent being the one to give Michael a chance to say the words. The words that would shatter her world. Michael was still truly in love with Esther but loved his family. He never could get a solution that would ensure he kept both so he decided to keep his relationship with Esther a secret.
What would you have done if you were Michael, Esther, or Michael’s wife?