Four bad boys, Ayden, Hayden, Brayden, and Okayden, try to form a school club to learn how to fight their bad boy instincts, or succumb to cliches trying.
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When Ayden's six-pack ap...
"Here you go, brother," says Hayden, rushing to open the door to detention with a smile from ear to ear, which doesn't translate to his eyes at all. His mouth spoke French: inviting, sexy, and non-threatening. But his eyes were Russian: depressing, apologetic, and with a craving for borscht.
He's been trying to make it up to me all day for that whole "hitting me in the head with a ball so hard that it knocked all my memories from summer 2017," which, as a quick Google search told me, was "big booty summer." At least it allowed me to listen to "All About That Bass" for the first time all over again.
As for why we were given detention, it would be pretty obvious.
Billiam hasn't woken up yet and is currently in the infirmary with a treatment of a record amount of two ice packs on his head, so Hayden got detention for that. I was given detention for "Plotting a revolution against a commanding officer," whatever that means, while Brayden got his for "walking away from the battlefield."
Whoever gave the former marine detention privileges clearly doesn't understand what a little power does to a disgruntled, underpaid teacher with a fetish for athletes.
Still, fuck Hayden.
"Thanks, dick," I say as I exit detention, with Brayden in tow.
"yeah, dick. go be a dick somewhere else, dick," says Brayden, tapping at his phone.
I try to powerwalk away from him, but he makes the distance with two strides.
"C'mon, brothers, let me invite you to dinner," he says. "Let's go to Outback Steakhouse. Us brothers, eating a juicy piece of meat, letting the juices streak down our mouths."
"um, excuse me, dick. what about me, dick?" says Brayden, somewhat behind us. He doesn't seem to be paying much attention to us, as he is way far behind us. "i don't eat anything with a face, dick. what am i gonna eat, dick?"
"We can share a blooming onion," he says.
"that's a date food, dick," says Brayden. "besides, i don't fuck with onions, and onions remind me of shrek. i ain't eating shrek."
"I would totally eat Shrek," says Hayden, now walking so fast that he keeps walking circles around us. "Imagine the layers."
"oh, i imagine the layers. that's why i don't fuck with onions. or eggplants. or corn."
"What's wrong with corn?"
"i can feel the lil' fuckers on my asshole when i take a shit, and i ain't into butthole stuff."
Okay, that's my cue to get in.
"Stop!" I say, not stopping, and thus sending confusing signals. That's how I roll. "Look, just leave me alone. I don't want to eat your meat. I don't even wanna leave school, okay?"
"But, today's Friday, brother."
"And tomorrow is Saturday. I gotta be here for the cop's things. Right, Brayden?"
"yeah, about that," he says, turning left and immediately hitting a wall like a Roomba with ADHD. "i'm going to belice."
"What?"
"yeah," he says, continuing to walk against the wall like a lagging NPC. "look, if ya think i'll have the pigs sniffing at my teeth truffle-shuffle plan, you clearly don't know the bray-bray. i'll go to a nice resort, swim with the turtles, and let all this blow over."
That son of a bitch. He's gonna pin this on me?
"Oh, so you're gonna leave me alone with the cops and the bunch of bodies?"
Brayden is now beginning to slowly slide to the right as he walks against the wall, eventually hitting a locker headfirst, and going haywire for a second before snapping back to the middle of the hallway. "nope, that's just gonna look sus af. i'm gonna have a body double take the fall. if anything goes south, you will get a friend request of one don panini almordoba, heir of the coca-cola empire. that'll be-"
"You, yes," I interrupt. "And if it all goes well?"
"i'll be here monday with a sick tan," he says. "so, don't worry. jungkook and harry are already in a secret safe house near the canadian border. whatever happens, you're safe, buddy, pal, chum."
"Uh, what's this about cops, and bodies, and believe?" asks a very confused Hayden.
"Wouldn't you like to know, beef boy," I say. "Just, go home, Hayden."
"yeah, go home, beef boy, dick. beef dick!"
Hayden jumps in front of us in an attempt to make us stop. Brayden, still nose-deep in his phone, bounces off him repeatedly as if Hayden was a bumper.
"Look, I ain't going until you two forgive me. If that means I'll have to sleep in a cramped, stinky vent with my bros, then I'm game," he says. "Make it a sleepover."
Interesting. I've never been in a sleepover. Ever. The closest thing I've had is that time me and my class were given blankets by the fire department as the school burned down. It was an alright time. But it has always been one of those things that I've wanted to experience at least once.
"Sure," I say. "Why not? I've never been in a sleepover. What are we gonna do?"
"Dunno," he says. "Never been on a sleepover before either. Leighlay kept inviting me over to her house for a sleepover, but I think all she wanted was to take my flower."
Oh, you sweet idiot.
"ha, dick. i've had thousands of sleepovers with jungkook and harry," says the bouncing fuckboi.
"Oh yeah? Then what do you do at sleepovers?" says Hayden, putting a hand on Brayden's forehead, forcing him to walk in place.
"i eat my veggies on time, take a bath, making sure to scrub behind my ears, then go to bed as jungkook and harry read something to make me sleepy."
That sounds like he got babysat. Babysitted? Infantly sat.
"Wow, didn't know you were so knowledgeable!" says Hayden in what I can only describe as a pathetic attempt in stoking the little man's ego. "Will you join us at our sleepover? We can learn a lot about you."
I can practically see the cogs inside Brayden's brain as he thinks, I think. For one, he stopped walking and texting. He seems to have stopped every other biological function as well, as he doesn't breathe, blink, or said another b-word for at least a minute as the gentle draft of the empty school hallways sways him back and forth like an absentminded fuckboy bee. I don't think he's accustomed to thinking that hard.
"well, my flight leaves at 5 a.m," he says after drawing a sharp breath. "might as well be with you until then. i'll teach you how to have a proper sleepover."
Great, my first-ever sleepover! And better, too. Those strange sounds in the vents have been getting louder and louder as of late. Maybe the full moon is making the raccoon family rowdier than ever. Could use the company.
This is gonna be dope!
Wait, what is the title of this chapter again?
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