Dragon Lover | B X B X B X B

25

Florence

It's been nearly over two weeks since I snapped at the guys and left them hanging. I hadn't worked in two weeks either, mom claiming I was just sick and cancelling my shifts. I wanted to thank her but I couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed.

I felt.. tired. Ever since the festival I just lacked the will to do anything! I was rendered to just watching Netflix, eating, using the bathroom and sleeping. Sometimes I would feel extra adventurous and venture downstairs, only to raid the pantry and settle for watching more streaming services down there. I no longer felt like myself. I felt like an empty shell doing the bare minimum to keep myself working.

I didn't receive a text or a call from either of them, not that I was expecting one. I was somewhat glad they didn't especially after what I found out. They only confused me. They filled me with questions that ate away at my brain and festered within the dark parts of my mind. I would spend hours trying to come up with an answer to just one of them- it was like falling into a trap, one that wouldn't let me go until I slept.

Only to wake up and do it all over again.

I was mad, confused and sad. Simple words to explain simple emotions, but they felt like so much more for me. They plagued my mind and tightened around my throat until I gave up on trying to figure them out.

I groaned, trying to rid myself of these thoughts. I had gotten used to the sight of my bedroom ceiling so much that I noticed every detail about it. The dust that collected in the corners, missing spots of paint we didn't quite get, and a dent or two from god know what. Looking at the ceiling seemed boring, but right now it was the only thing grounding me. My eyes trailed down this time to the dark spot on the wall where I almost hit Rian.

And just like that my stomach did flips again and I found it hard to breathe. Questions circled my mind in and a pit formed in my stomach. This entire situation was a good example of how easily excitement, giddiness and that one fluttery feeling I got when I was around all three of them turned into gut-wrenching guilt and fear. I didn't like it. It made me grasp at my pillow in anger at the fact that those wonderful feelings I hadn't had in years were gone. I was mad at everyone but mostly myself.

My mind went numb for a few glorious minutes before another heavy weight pressed itself to my chest. I had basically called them monsters. Not only that but selfish monsters who wanted nothing more than war. I had stood by my words for the first couple days until my resolve crumbled and my weird state of laziness and guilt ensued.

I knew deep down that I didn't want to be mad at them but some other part of my brain was telling me that I was perfectly valid in not wanting to be near them. It was tearing my brain apart.

I was thankfully pulled from my pit of sickening thoughts by the sound of shuffling noises downstairs. The soft thuds of footsteps made their way up the staircase and rested behind my door before a wooden knock filled my room. "Come in," I muttered.

Mom came in with a water bottle and a packaged sandwich in hand and her work uniform still on. She looked tired, but still took time to bring me stuff. "I'll make an actual lunch soon but I figured you were hungry," she said softly, her eyes scanning my room. She didn't comment on how many water bottles were littered around or the stack of plates and bowls by my bedside, instead she just handed me the goods with a soft smile.

She went about cleaning my room without a hassle, leaving the clothes and plates for me to do. She paused be the window, most likely contemplating whether or not to draw back the curtains. She left it as it was and headed for the door. She lingered for a bit as we wordlessly communicated. She had that soft, sad look in her eyes. Not guilt or pity, more so remembering something. Either way it didn't sit right with me.

"Whatever happened at the festival," she started but quickly paused. She was thinking. "You can always talk to me, Florence. Whatever it is- I'll understand. Even if it isn't about what happened that day." She finished, highlighting her ending. "I know, Mom. Love you." I responded weakly, not really sure how to respond. I wanted to talk to her but I just needed to figure out what the hell was exactly making me like this.

She smiled before going to close the door. She left it open the tiniest crack, her outline still just visible from my position on my bed. "I'm going to visit him soon. I'd like it if you'd come with me." She all but whispered. My heart beat didn't stop, it slowed. My blood thinned out and my entire being went cold. I knew instantly who she was talking about. Dad. "I completely understand if you don't want to. I-I just figured after all these years.."

There was another minute of silence. I felt obligated to say something- anything but my brain failed to come up with anything. All I could think about this strange sensation on my back, almost like I was sinking further and further into my bed, most likely into a dark abyss.

"I just figured that you'd want to see him at least once." She finally finished.

I wanted to go. I really did but there was something stopping me. Something that festered and infected since the incident. Something that I could never muster up enough courage to face. It was something I would never, ever wish upon my greatest enemy. Pure poignant guilt.

"I-I'll think about it. T-Thank you, mom." I stuttered out. I had never told anyone why I didn't want to see his grave, not even my own mother. It was something I'd kill to keep secret. Not only would my guilt completely drown me but seeing the tombstone with his name engraved into it would be the final seal. It would mean he was definitely gone. It would be the offical sign that he was never going to come back, as if the reports and the funeral weren't enough to convince me.

The door closed and I was left in my room to think about my secret. I wanted to cry, I did but knowing full well that these walls were thin I didn't dare let a tear spill.

I felt trapped in my own skin. I had so many problems to face but instead I decided to cower under my blankets and push them to the furthest corners of my mind. I didn't want to deal with it anymore.

I buried my cheek into my sheets and breathed deeply, trying to calm myself enough to fall asleep. As I breathed in I caught a smell of something familiar, a cologne. Rian's cologne. It gave me a weird feeling of temporal relief.

And just like that my brain decided to play pull-apart and put-back-together.

A chapter on the shorter side, but hey! Third time in a row!

I really struggled with writing Florence's struggles. I didn't want him to immediately feel bad about what he said because god forbid those boys needed a stern talking to but I also didn't want him to look like an asshole. I hope I got that across well enough.

From now on I'll be announcing updates via message board since that seems to attract more people and remind them I'm still alive!

Predictions and Thoughts are always welcomed!