So. I just. My family. Aaargh.
So my immediate family, like my brothers and parents are cool. They're all really chill.
But the recent problem has been my extended family, like my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.
From now on, extended family will be just Extended and immediate family will be Immediate.
My Extended are all very Christian, and my Immediate are also Christian but more like. Love thy neighbor kind of Christain, not like a "all other religions are going to hell for believing in something else" kind of Christian *cough cough* my Extended *cough cough*
SO I haven't been going to extended family dinners, but my cousin, we'll call her Jordan, is awesome and has been spying for me and feeding me info.
And according to my extended, my immediate have been, to quote, acting "unchristian" because we are "living in fear of a physical threat and not focusing on spiritual life."
What kind of bullshit-
I thought it was fine, like whatever. You guys are just mad at us for quarantining and still social distancing. Fine I guess I get that.
But then apparently, they said we don't have strong faith because we are "living in fear of corona" and our liberal viewpoints cause us to sway away from Christianity. Also, the fact that all our friends aren't Christian means that we are going to Hell.
And I already didn't like them all that much, with their whole homophobic-transphobic-racist-sexist-trump-supporting selves, so here's me spilling some tea on them. Don't worry though, it's all anonymus.
Jordan and I have decided we will create a reality tv show around our extended family, and these are some episodes that would probably air!
- Weibo Ludwig
- The uncle who was a pastor and cheated on his wife with 11 women in his churches but his wife decided to "look past it" and stay with him
- When the grandpa passed up the chance to take pieces by Rembrandt and DaVinci from his father's inheritance and instead took a meaningless painting he thought would look prettier, then proceeded to blame his brother for steeling the entire inheritance.
- The fact that we know the guy who did the carpeting for the oval office? More like a fun fact than anything else.
- The Grandpa complaining about "all those lazy worthless people living off welfare" while his 45-year-old daughter and her two kids live in his house, regardless of the fact they have their own. (their own house that is)
- The fact that one of the uncles lied to his wife, my aunt, about cheating on her because she refused to get a divorce, and that was his way of getting out of the marriage.
- The uncle who was in the military for a long time, and enjoyed it because he got to jump out airplanes, but then his wife didn't like it and forced him to move to Ohio with their 5 children because they liked the Ohio weather better than the state all the rest of us live in. And now the uncle does some shitty job dealing with recycling textbooks.
- The time we all went to Tennessee to get away and the grandpa went on talking about how black people are getting too many rights and referred to "the president on the 20 dollar bill, Andrew Johnson" and then we didn't talk about politics the rest of the week.
- Speaking of Tennessee, it was the first time they had all gotten together since one of the cousins (HINT HINT ITS ME, IM THE COUSIN) came out of the closet as pansexual, and she felt comfortable with it and so did Jordan, and so she and I made all these gay jokes and all the rest of the cousins thought it was wildly inappropriate and avoided us at all costs
- When one of the cousins was in the fifth grade and didn't know the difference between "d" and "b" because her mom was just that bad at homeschooling
- The grandpa referring to people as "the blacks" and "the gays"
- The grandma and grandpa spending about $200,000 on a mustang and camper that they never use
- The grandpa impulse buying a boat
- When we stopped talking to the Great Aunt's family because of her son's girlfriend wearing a dress they thought was too scandalous
- When one of the Aunts told Jordan she has $40,000 set aside in a safety deposit box that she will only use Jordan's wedding
- When people told one of the cousins she couldn't be a phlebotomist because "it wasn't right for someone's wife to have a job in the hospital because it takes away from family time"
- The fact that we have at least 4 convicted felons in our family
- The cousin who is a major hippie and a beekeeper in the middle of nowhere
- The cousin who was a private body guard in Washington DC
- The uncle and aunt who changed their last names to "Stewart of Jesus"
- The grandma who would whip out dinner at every sign of conflict
I hope that was entertaining for you, because I know it sure was for me! And if you want more tea then I can always start talking about my dad's side of the family. All the above was just my mom's side.
ANYWAYS ILY HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT
