Something

just rambling

so I'm feeling a bit down right now so I'm going to ramble about how much Undertale has changed my life.

When I came across Undertale in December of 2019, I wouldn't have known how much that game would have impacted my life. Writing is extremely calming and therapeutic to me, hence why this account exists and why I write so often. One day, I would decide to write a short story about Undertale, for future me to read whenever I was having a bad day. I loved writing about Undertale, it just made my days so much better when I was going to a private school, completely separated from my friends, with no one to really talk to about this. I felt so at home in this fictional world, and call me childish, but I wish I could really go to the underground and meet these characters I write about so often. When I moved to online school, I had much more time to write. It made me happier. I don't think I can express how much the words:

"Sammy! Stay determined..." Have changed my life. Some days, I can't think of one good reason to get out of bed, but I just think I have to stay determined if I plan on living the life I want to live. I want to live in a different country, I want to be accepted for who I am, I want to be happy. My account here went inactive for a long time, months. But after I found out that my biological father, I won't be talking about what happened because I'm not really ready to talk about it to strangers yet, I would become active on this account again. I wanted to share my stories with the world. I'm not fully confident in my writing abilities yet, but I try to improve a little with every chapter I release. 

Undertale brought me closer to my cousins. I have so many stories of us over the summer texting all day and night. We drew together, we played Undertale together, we sang together. If any of them are reading this, thank you for those moments. We would sing all the songs we knew just for fun. All summer, we texted each other. I remember my first time playing the game for myself, not simply watching a playthrough, I killed the royal guard since I didn't know how to spare them, and I called one of my cousins, freaking out. Looking back on that memory now just makes me smile to myself. I honestly hope I can express the feelings I have properly. 

Whenever I get stressed, I think back to when I was still in private school, online due to quarantine however. After waking up at 7:00am, and not getting a real break from work until around 4 or 5pm, I would go sit in my room, get my ipad, and draw in an app I had downloaded to take notes, since it had a handwriting feature. Those drawings were in no way good, but the documentaries on Disneyland history I would listen to while I drew and remembering the purple-blue light of my Christmas lights just calms me so much. Why? I can't really explain. All I'm going to say is that it was before something changed. 

Whenever I have a nightmare or can't sleep, I go into the living room of my apartment, get my Nintendo Switch and some water because hydration is important, go back to my room, and play Undertale. There's something so comforting about being able to lose myself in a world where no one will judge me for my gender identity or anything like that. Something about knowing these characters are my friends. Even only a few days ago, I had a terrible nightmare (I don't get nightmares often but I'm often slightly traumatized when I do get one because they're generally pretty terrifying) and I couldn't go back to sleep, so I played Undertale until I got tired. Last night, I had another nightmare. I don't know why, but it was one of the scariest ones I've had to date. But listening to a music box of Snowy makes the nightmare leave my mind and calm me down so much. 

Every night before I go to bed, I think about what my life could be like if Undertale was real and I could go to the underground. Even now, when I had to go get something from another room a few seconds ago (for context I stepped away from my PC and it's almost  midnight as I write this) I was terrified from the nightmare I had last night, so I kept my ipad with me and played a music box of my favorite song in the OST, Asgore. It made me feel so much better. For some more context, that nightmare played off of my (undiagnosed but probable) submechanophobia and my intense fear of dying. Writing my emotions out has actually helped me a lot in the past half hour I've been writing, so if you're reading, thanks for even getting to this point. Thinking about how much this game has impacted my life is honestly kind of strange, how three words could help me through so much. 

I sometimes wish I could have told my 5th grade self to go watch a playthrough of Undertale, so I could understand why my friends talked about it so much. I wish I could have told my younger self to not try to deny who they are and to be proud of their identity. How does Undertale play into this? Well, all the characters refer to the player with they/them pronouns. This game helped me realize I was non-binary at the time. Now I identify as demiboy, but my main pronoun is still they, just sometimes I'll prefer he. I realized I liked being referred to with they/them pronouns. I wouldn't trade my realization for the world. 

And now I get into how sans x reader, and Undertale fanfics in general come into this story, because they're definitely a part of this too. I have such fond memories of reading Undertale fanfics last winter, when I was a snas fangirl. I'm not anymore (now I'm an XChara fan-person[?] >:3). Early February, I started this account. I was super inspired by the people writing these stories, so I made my own. Now here's the thing, 12 year-old me had no clue how to write. So sorry to anyone who was subjected to my oldest 2 stories, they suck. I recommend Fallen Petals and Raining Somewhere Else, since I put a lot of effort into both of those, but one is clearly the more popular, which kinda sucks since I put a lot of effort into Fallen Petals too, so maybe go read that one? I'm not sure what else to talk about, so I'm gonna finish this chapter up now.

If you've read this far, really, thank you so much for caring about what I have to say. I might stream on my YouTube channel tomorrow so stay tuned for that for when that happens. In the meantime, have a link to one of my speedpaints in case you're interested >:3