Edge of Midnight

26

July 9, 1988

Stevie took her bow after opening night of the "Whole Lotta Trouble Tour" and she turned her head to the side where she saw Elayna. She and Lindsey were with Stevie for a short time because tomorrow was her fifth birthday. They'd be going to the Dallas Zoo and Aquarium and having cake, ice cream, and pizza and soda in Stevie's hotel suite, and then on the eleventh, they'd go to the concert and they'd part ways on the 12th and Stevie wasn't looking forward to it in the slightest. She peered up at Lindsey who just shrugged and Stevie smiled squatting down and making the come hither motion with her hands. 

Elayna was hesitant for a moment, knowing the rule that she couldn't go to mom while she was working, but Lindsey nudged her with his knee, and then she ran right out into her mother's arms who picked her up to the best of her ability and spun her around kissing her little cheek. 

Stevie walked over to the microphone and Elayne just pressed her cheek against Stevie's and Stevie smiled speaking into the mic. "So this is my baby. She's not such a baby anymore is she. Wanna tell the nice people your name?" 

"Layna." She says into her mother's mic. 

"Layna, yes that's your nickname but what's your full name?" Stevie pokes.

"Elayna Belle Buckingham." 

"That's right, Elayna Belle Buckingham...and tomorrow at five...five-twenty she will be five years old. So can you do me a favor, can you help me sing Happy Birthday to Elayna?" 

***

As they were walking the Zoo, the following day, Stevie took so many pictures of Elayna and she made Lindsey take so many pictures of her with Elayna and as they were standing back watching her play with Sting-Ray exhibit at the Aquarium-she was in this tour, program thingy, that allowed her to pet a stingray and to feed a dolphin. There was a group of about ten little kids. Stevie turned to Lindsey. 

"What?" He asks seeing her pleading eyes.

"Let's do it." 

"Do what?" He asks.

"Not yet but like...after this tour is over I'm stopping. I'm taking a break and what if, well what if when I come off tour we start trying." She bites her lip.

"For another baby?" 

"No, for another dog...yes another baby." She nods.

"Well we could get Hope another playmate too...but what made you change your mind?" Lindsey asks.

"She'll be five in two hours Lindsey. At this point five years ago I was in active labor. But it...it feels like literally yesterday and I...Lindsey, I missed her first words because I was in the studio, I missed her first steps because I was on tour. And I just...I hate that so much. I robbed myself of that luxury. And while I don't necessarily want another child, I want to be able to experience it in its entirety. Not just the kicks and the movements in my belly but the after parts. Teaching them how to walk, talk." 

"So you want a prop kid..." Lindsey trails off.

"A prop kid, what the hell does that mean?" 

"You just want another child so you can teach them how to talk and walk. But the reality is when they can talk and walk you're just going to forget about them." Lindsey shrugs.

"Absolutely NOT Lindsey." She scolds.

"Well that's what it sounds like...so No, Steph...I'm not going to try for another baby with you. I'll be fine with just Elayna." Lindsey turns his attention back to their daughter and it felt like the air was sucked out of Stevie's lungs. 

She put on a brave happy face through the night, she smiled for the pictures at Elayna's party but after Lindsey and Elayna had gone to bed, she sat against the fridge in the little kitchenette of her suite and she started sobbing, her breathing labored because she was hyperventilating and she really wanted another baby. And then reality hit her that if she hadn't had that Abortion with Don Henley's baby, she'd have two babies, a seven-year-old and a five-year-old. But now all she had was the five-year-old with who she missed so much, that she was desperately craving another baby. And the crying came harder because her womb ached. 

Lindsey noticing she wasn't in bed walked to the doorway where he cracked it open and he could hear her sobs and see her in the upright fetal position against the fridge and it hurt his heart. He knew why she was crying and he knew that he had hurt her with what he said but the reality was, what he said was true. She wanted a baby for not a good reason and he didn't want to bring a child into that situation. Because it would only hurt the child and the prospect of any of his children hurting rubbed Lindsey the wrong way. 

He simply shut the door and shook his head before going to the bed and climbing under the covers sleep calling him. 

Stevie furiously wiped her eyes and then she gulped standing up and making her way to her journal where she started to write and write and write and cry and write. And when she has gotten all of her emotions out, she was staring at a poem and she didn't know what the meaning of it was, but whatever it was, was heartbreaking and she looked at it one more time and made her way to the room Elayna was sleeping in, because she felt the need to curl up and sleep with her child instead of her husband. 

Don't take me to the tower
And take my child away
It was I who was
The hourglass
And the sands of time like
Shattering glass went past me
Like a tunnel to the sea

And I who went to sleep as two
Woke up as one now only you remain
You'll close your eyes and travel back
To the time when the light went fading fast
And the words you'll never, never forget, oh no
As you slipped away

Goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one day

And I who went to sleep in tears
Woke up in tears, for all of the years
And I who never, never said goodbye
As I slipped away

Goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one day

Goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one day, I'll be with you one day