The Angel Prophecy (original)

christmas special

Azazel:
(wayyyyy before Jesus)

There is only so much effort you can put into moving a boulder that doesn't want to budge. Yet here I was, 2,000 years later, almost at the very top of the mountain.

It's a genius idea really: torture your son in various ways to see what his universe-given super powers are. This was the strength test, one Michael continuously passes with flying colors... push a boulder up a mountain.

Clearly I was not gifted in the strength department.

Honestly, I probably would have made it up sooner if I hadn't procrastinated starting again every time I dropped the damn thing, but hey, I deserved the breaks. You try shoving a boulder along a narrow pathway for 200 years, drop it for one totally valid reason or another, and then have to start from the bottom again. No food, no drinks, no going home until you reach the top. So yeah, year long nap time was well appreciated, and quite frankly, I deserved longer.

The last time I dropped the boulder, maybe 300 years ago, I was once again, almost at the top, but not as close as I am now, when, out of nowhere, little Gabriel comes along.

I had no idea he existed. We talked for a while, apparently I didn't have a good rep up in Heaven, not that I'd ever done anything wrong, but he decided he didn't believe the rumors and told me I was his favorite brother. Then he told me he'd only been pushing his boulder for about 50 years and continued on past me like it was nothing. My reaction? That was to deliberately stop pushing my giant pebble and sit on top of his. It didn't stall him for very long, he actually got used to it quite quickly, so I got annoyed and flew away. He just laughed at me. When he was done, he had been nice enough to say goodbye before returning home. He only took 100 years.

The next time I saw him was only 50 years later, it had been nearly a century since I last restarted. Then, just to my luck, a big sparkly white space rock crash lands on Earth. Because I'm such a nice son, and because I had no choice, I spent the next two hundred years collecting those dead dinosaur souls, sorting them, and replenishing the Earth with new ones.

I learned a lot of things about my powers during that time, like a new form of reincarnation. Sometimes I would take the soul of a dead dinosaur, mix it with a new soul for a completely different dinosaur and make a new creature. Dad was shocked when he learned that one, he even personally came down to congratulate me, although by then I'd started pushing this damn thing again.

I've developed a major adversion to snow. There was always an abundance of it at the top of the mountain, especially in the winter time, like it was now. I could hear the music from the strange bells and musical instruments from the fairy towns below as they celebrated winter solstice like they had been for the past week. They were quite comical creatures, and would be well respected if they were not always causing trouble with their pranks. I quite liked them.

Have you ever seen a cross-reincarnation between a fairy and a dinosaur? That was certainly a fun one to make. Dragons, I call them.

And monkeys with elves. Humans, or I guess more technically, Homo Sapiens, but that's boring. They're kind of ugly, I regret them. They are quite funny though, stupid and ugly, but funny. They don't even do anything cool or magical.

Finally I had made it to the top of the mountain. After 2,000 years. Honestly I don't really think they would care at this point, clearly I failed the test if it takes me this long. I flopped dramatically across the top of my boulder in the cold night, watching the fire light dance in the fairy towns below.

Watching them, I was reminded of the celebrations we had back home. Dad opened up the palace for everyone to join. There was food and laughter and dancing, and I could avoid my responsibilities for the night. And despite only lasting one night up in Heaven, it was my favorite night of the year. I had already missed it this year, but there was probably still left over food.

At the thought of Solstice Food, I left my boulder and made my way home. Heaven was always a few hours behind the human world, so it was still evening when I arrived. People were out doing last minute chores or activities in the snow, clearly shocked to see me wandering down the pristine white streets.

The palace was virtually empty when I walked up. Most of the lights were off, and my dad was not listening to any sort of obnoxiously loud music. I opened the door as quietly as I could, assuming everyone had gone to sleep early.

What I found instead was truely appalling.

The three of them, my dad, Michael, and Gabriel, were all sitting tensely around the table eating dinner. Clearly there had just been an argument.

"What are you doing here?" Michael spits. I didn't take his baiting, knowing he just wanted somewhere to release his anger and emotions. I simply sat down at the only empty chair, and began to eat, telling them without words that I had finally made it to the top of the mountain. Surprisingly, I wasn't very hungry. But that doesn't mean I won't be, I'm just not used to eating.

The rest of the night was incredibly tense, but the whole time I was waiting for everyone to jump out of hiding and shout: "Surprise!"

But that never happened. The longer the night went on, the worse Michael's agrivation became. Especially towards me when dad congratulated me for completing the test. Eventually we all meandered off to bed, not one celebration.

"Michael?" I whispered as the two of us walked further down the hall.

"What?! What could you possibly want? You already have it all!" He shouted quietly.

"...Happy birthday."