Dr. Arrogant and Mr. Vanity (Slowly Editing)

Chapter One: The Most Horrible First Date

“Tell me - What do you do for a living Will?” he asked his hazel-green fixed onto mine. I couldn’t help but scoff. He knew exactly what I did. I know Celeste had told him when she had set us up. My profession was probably why he had even agreed to this blind date in the first place.

He was the kind of guy who had absolutely no problem picking up men or women. Shit. Half of the bar had checked him out as soon as he walked through the door.

His eyes fell to his glass, as he traced his fingertips along the rim of his gin and tonic. He attempted to focus his attention on me, but every so often I would catch his eyes wandering onto the firm breasts of the dissatisfied blonde trophy wife sitting beside us or the ass of our bartender.  He was definitely reaffirming the reason why I never dated bisexual men. 

There was just too much competition.

“First off, don’t call me Will! Secondly, I’m a doctor,” I huffed as I took a sip from my glass. “How about you? Wait – Let me guess a struggling actor or an out of work model.”

“Close –I’m an anchorman which is pretty much a mix of the two,” he joked not at all taken aback by my attitude.

“Even more vapid than I anticipated,” I mumbled chuckling to myself with a certain air of pretentiousness.

“Are you always this much of an asshole? Because if you are, I see why you haven’t been on a date in like three years,” he smirked.

“Fuck you,” I blurted out, standing up in a fit of rage. I grabbed my jacket and I walked right out of there. So, by now you’re probably curious as to who that stupid prick was and why I was on a date with him in the first place. Well - That vapid know-it-all conceited and positively vain anchorman was set up with me by our mutual friend Celeste. Celeste is my coworker and the asshole anchorman who shall remain anonymous for now’s best friend. This whole thing began with a conversation in work one day with Celeste.

So, let’s rewind to a few days ago.

“Mrs. A (I’m not allowed to disclose last names due to HIPAA laws, but we’ll just call her Mrs. A), I see you’ve gained quite the amount of weight,” I said my eyes trailing her patient chart. She had gained an additional forty pounds since I saw her last. It was clear that some changes had occurred in her life either emotionally or physically.  

“Dr. Klein, it’s been a rough month,” she sighed. By the amount of weight she’s gained I’m guessing it’s been a rough year.

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of yourself,” I said flashing my pearly whites at her. “A lovely lady like yourself wants to be in shape for your husband, now don’t you?”

After I said that, Mrs. A burst into tears and went on a rant about how her husband left her for his younger and much more attractive secretary. It was your classic betrayal.  Apparently, she had been stress eating over the whole divorce ever since. I had no other choice but to console her which was something that I wasn’t good at especially when it involved cheating men.  

“Come on Mrs. A, there are plenty of fish in the sea,” I said patting her on the back. “I’m sure you’ll find a nice man somewhere.”

That’s what I should have said, but I being the old lonely bitter guy that I am took a different route.

“Mrs. A! Can I be completely frank with you for a moment? You don’t need a man to make you happy,” I admitted placing her chart down. “Men definitely aren’t everything. They are liars, cheaters and users – they just take and take and take and never give. I’m tired of giving and never getting. I’m so tired of the entire male race that I’m thinking about turning heterosexual.”