Ruins (The Jewel Project #6)

36. The Ones to Blame

Jerry wasn't exactly sure why he was so nervous, but his stomach felt as if it was filled with a ball of snakes fighting for dominance. He wasn't going to an unsafe place, quite the contrary. They were finally all there, in better health.

And they had to decide just what they were going to do with their lives from then on. Which terrified him.

"Are you ready, Remy?" Sarah marched down the stairs wearing a dark-green sweater dress, her mahogany hair caught in a loose braid.

She'd dyed it again, but this time there were just red highlights in the sea of dark brown. Jerry liked it this way more. It showed off her quirkiness while also keeping her true self shown.

"Just about." Jerry pulled at the collar of his sweater.

Sarah joined him next to the mirror, a small frown on her face. She adjusted her braid then her blue eyes fixed him. It wasn't accusatory, but it still made Jerry's stomach drop. They'd been skirting around the elephant in the room ever since they came back, and he wasn't sure he was ready to address it. Not when the next hours didn't bring the prospect of anything good.

"Why don't you have a pet name for me?" she asked all of a sudden.

Jerry flinched. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you always call me Sarah. Which is okay, since it's my name, but..." She put a finger to her chin. "I guess it's an upbringing thing because Sam doesn't do it either. I never heard him calling Skye by anything but her name."

He wanted to ask how that was relevant, but he kept silent. Sarah rarely spoke just for the sake of it. She was going somewhere with this. And even if he'd never dwelled on it, he too had noticed that he and Sam had trouble getting cutesy with their girlfriends, even if Sam had gone as far as to get married and have a child with Skye. Kyle, Jimmy and Tom had no trouble with this. To be honest, he'd felt the need to abreviate her name in some way for a while, but he'd never managed to find one he liked. What he'd come up with was so unlike her name, he'd never dared use it. At least, not out loud.

Sarah continued to be silent, so he took a shot in the dark. "I like that you call me Remy. I sort of expect you to call me Jerry when you're upset with me."

She smiled, but it was sad. "I'm not mad at you."

There it was. The reason for the talk. "You should be."

"I'm a little mad that you think that." She heaved a sigh and turned to him. "You shut down on me and it's not helping. Yes, your life is chaotic and--"

"Our life," he corrected her. This was so hard to juggle and the elephant was fussing so much, it could no longer be ignored. "That's the problem, really. To me, it's our life. So I'm trying to somehow balance everything, but I'm--"

"Failing?" 

He nodded and she sighed again. Then she turned to him and took his hands. He recognized the look on her face. It was the one she'd had every time she decided to throw herself into something dangerous. Into a relationship, into his bed, into his life. Into his heart.

"I meant what I said," she said. "You don't need to protect me. I can hold my own. Yes, I'm confused and a little scared as well, but there is no way in hell I'm letting you go. So the thought that you could be plotting to break up with me for my own good..."

"No." He squeezed her hands and shook his head. "That's the thing. It's killing me because I know I should want you away from me for your own protection, but that doesn't mean I do. I think you can take it, too. You lay into Snitch Gravel, for Christ's sake, and I could never even dream to do that. But I need you like this. Full of fire and hope! Not a broken mess, not jaded. And I'm afraid I'll be the one to break you."