FALLEN ─ marvel

VIII. Three Painful Words

Chapter Eight
John

Instead of giving us another plane, Ross made us fly commercially to Denmark. When we were doing a layover flight to Hobro, the last place those kids attacked, I told Sam and Jade that I would take care of clean up for a day or two. Jade hasn't gotten the chance to go back to where she grew up, and I want her to have the chance to make peace with that part of her past. She and Sam are in Aalborg right now while I'm here visiting the people injured in the attacks and making sure their insurance covers everything. It's so boring, but it's worth it if it means Jade gets to go back home.

After several painfully long hours, I have a break for lunch, but instead of eating, I'm sitting on my bed in my hotel room, my phone in hand, working up the courage to call Soroya.

I was just in a plane crash, a pretty bad one figuring I can't remember it at all. I could have died, and if I had, my biggest regret would have been never confronting her about how I've been feeling. I should just do this now and get it over with, the more I think about it the more I'll put it off. I just need to treat this like ripping off a bandaid. Bucky told me talking to Soroya would help, so I'll just have to see if he's right.

I press on her contact and wait for the phone to dial, which doesn't take very long. I feel my heart jolt when I hear her voice on the other end: "John?"

"Yeah it's me. Is this a bad time?"

"No, no it's fine. Bucky just took Olivia out for a walk around the city so I have some time to myself."

There's a long pause after she says this, I know she's waiting for me to talk next. I keep trying to find the right words to say, but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm not trying to change her mind or change how she feels, I'm just trying to get how I'm feeling off my chest...I'm just gonna say whatever comes to mind and go from there.

"I know we've talked about this before, and I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you or your relationship, and if at any point I make you uncomfortable just stop me. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me after this, god knows I do."

"I could never hate you."

"You know it makes things a lot harder when you say things like that."

She chuckles softly. "I know...tell me what's been on your mind."

I take in a deep breath and shut my eyes, not holding back as I confess: "I thought that my feelings would go away, and I still hope that they will, but I think there's a very real possibility that it won't. I actually thought for a while that it was going away, but then you found out you were pregnant...I really want to be happy for you. I do. You deserve this, so does Bucky, and I hate that I can't be happy for you. I told you before that it would make me miserable to be apart from you, but right now I think it's necessary. It's too painful seeing you, Bucky, and the baby," I pause for a second, wiping my eyes with my free hand, taking in another deep breath. "I know you, and I know that every time you see me upset you blame yourself, but you don't deserve that. You deserve to revel in your happiness and not worry about how I feel. You deserve Bucky and Olivia, and I don't want to get in the way of that."

"I understand," she says, her voice low and quiet. "But eventually I'd love for you to be apart of Olivia's life. I know it's selfish to say, but I hope you don't stay away long. I can't imagine not having you in my life."

"Neither can I. Ross has us cleaning up things here in Denmark, I might stay here for a while, clear my head. It won't be forever."

"You can always come to me, John, for anything. You know that right?" She asks. From the tone of her voice I can tell she's crying, but she's trying her best to hide it. I hope she can't tell that I'm crying too, that'd just be embarrassing and I'm already feeling pretty ridiculous right now.

"I know...Soroya?"

"Yes?"

"I love you. I promise I won't say that again...I just needed to say it once."

She pauses, asking after a moment: "Will it make you feel worse if I say it back?"

"Actually I think I need to hear it right now," I tell her, moving the speaker away from me so I can sniffle and wipe my nose without her hearing. I can't even describe how pathetic I feel right now. If being in love with a married woman and being close friends with her husband was low, then this is just me digging myself into the ground. "Even though I know you don't mean it the way I do."

"I love you, too, John," She replies through a whisper, making my heart lurch violently in my chest. "When you get back from Denmark you could come to our house for dinner?"

"I'd like that. Goodbye, Soroya." I say through a deep exhale.

"Bye John."

Once she hangs up, I drop my phone onto the blanket and lay back on the bed. I once again wipe at my eyes, but the tears keep coming no matter how much I wipe them away, making me let out a frustrated groan. I think I'll just have to add on to my patheticness and sob alone in my hotel room. Maybe I just need to let everything out today. Despite how that conversation has left me feeling so pathetic, I do think it helped. I'm glad I got everything off of my chest, no matter how painful it was.

I do hope that this will go away, but I'm not holding out much hope. No woman can ever compare to Soroya, she sets too high of a bar. I think I'm just going to have to be content that I'll be miserable and alone my whole life. I'm right back where I started before I met her. I looked for love my whole life and when I find it, it's with someone I'll never have. I wish I could retreat back into my hardened, selfish, and angry mindset, this would be so much easier to deal with if I could. But I know I can't. Soroya's changed me, she's made me a different man, the man I always wanted to be.

I know I need to get back to work, but right now I think I just need to spend some time alone. No one wants to see me right now. I don't need people gawking at me as I curl up in my bed and sob like a love struck teenager. I have twenty minutes left of my lunch break, so I decide to spend it doing exactly that: letting the flood gates open and not holding anything back.