Coffee & Commentary

Greif and Goals

October 1998

I swung the sledgehammer through the wall with a grunt, and again with a scream, and once more with a cry of anguish so terrifying that it sent Murphy rushing to my side. "Rising Star, you know you can do this with magic, right?" he asked as he grabbed the tool out of my hand. I removed my goggles and poured out the tears that had accumulated in the lenses of the eyewear. "Where's the fun in that?", I panted as I wiped the sweat from my cheeks.

He pointed his wand at the wall and removed the rest of the broken plaster. "Blasting the walls out with a wand is 84.3% less likely to result in injury. I can't have you getting hurt again. In fact, you've been knocking down walls since it happened. Can't we just talk about it... without pulverizing our new home?" he yelled over the blast of my foot making contact with a wall.

I knew he wasn't yelling at me, but it was the first time I had ever heard my gentle husband raise his voice. The sound took everything out of me. My rage, my hope, my frustration, and my strength were depleted in an instant. My legs gave out, slowly, as I fell to the floor in a mess of tears. He rolled over the rubble of the walls of the estate and stroked my hair. I couldn't stand, or breath, or even look up at him. I just stayed on the floor and wrapped my arms around his legs and rested my head on his knee.

He continued to stroke my hair as I let it out. Months of hurt and frustration was finally released from my body as I held him. When my sobs turned to deep heaves, he took charge. "KC, let's step onto the terrace, shall we? Odds are, you shouldn't inhale whatever is creating all this dust. Come with me." He helped me onto his lap and wheeled us away.

The fresh air from the cool night hit my lungs like a blast from the ice vaults. I shuddered and sucked in as much of the breeze as I could. I released it in a scream. My throat felt raw with my next inhale of the October air. He cradled my head in his large hands and held me close to his chest. "Katriona, I am so sorry you got hurt because of me." I pulled away as more tears appeared in the corners of my eyes. "Taking the blast, didn't hurt as much as the fact that my mother fired it at you in the first place, Murphy. I would get hurt a thousand times and be ok, but just the thought of her trying to hurt you is a greater torture than the crucio I endured."

I had played the attack so many times in my mind since the day it happened. I was stupid enough to return to her estate after the war once I learned she had been injured. Muprhy, protective as he was, refused to let me go alone. She was on the sofa in the very study I was so happy to destroy. She had lost her brother in the war, he was killed by a muggle-born student in the battle of Hogwarts. Her pride in our family's bloodline was wounded.

"Katriona, my only hope... our family is dying out. I could be the next to go. I made a mistake all those years ago. All I ask, the most healing thing you could do, is bear an heir worthy of this family." She coughed and wailed as if it were her dying wish. From the owl her assistant send, she had simply dislocated a shoulder and tore a tendon in her arm.

"Bloodstatus means nothing to me, mother, but any children I have will be impacted by Murphy's pureblood status and my half. They will be heirs to the kind, warm, and loving McNully family. The family I have wanted since I was a child." I wasn't giving into her nonsense. "Children? With him? I wouldn't hear of it. My family deserves healthy children to carry on our legacy. Even magic couldn't fix him. I won't hear of it." she moaned. "Whether you accept it or not, he is my husband. He may father your grandchildren someday. He loved me when you barely did and will love me long after you are gone."

With my back to her as I walked away, I saw Murphy's eyes widen as she pulled her wand from her robe. I turned and reached for my own wand, but it was too late. I leapt in front of my husband as the blast ripped through my side. We were propelled backwards, though luckily the inertia sent Murphy out the door. His chair was flipped on its side and he was thrown several feet from it. I watched the door to be sure she had not followed us. I scrambled to my feet and helped him back up despite the flood of protests from my dear Murphy. It wasn't until we appirated home that I realized the extent of the damage done to my body. I would be marked for life by her hate.

As if he knew where my mind had drifted, Murphy kissed my nose gently, then my cheek, followed by my forehead. He left whisper soft kisses on my neck until my whole body buzzed. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, guiding his lips back to mine. I kissed him as deeply as the first time our lips met nearly a decade ago. His kiss brought me back to the present. We were safe. We were happy. We had a beautiful new home... in the works.

I turned to look at the mess I had made in what had been my mother's study for the past twenty-six years, maybe longer. The room had been a meeting place for Death Eaters and cohorts of the Selwyn family for decades, maybe centuries. The only maternal thing my mother ever did was forbade me to enter the room. I looked at the ruins smiled for the first time in months. He leaned and gave a quick kiss to the flicker of smile. "My girl, my love, my Rising Star... how I missed that smile!" his eyes lit up in a way they hadn't since my mother was sent away to Azkaban where she belonged.

"Thank you, Murphy, for cleaning up the mess... literally and figuratively." I started, but he wrapped his arms around me tighter. He kissed my shoulder gently. "It's fun demolishing this old place. I'm sure it is the most healing thing you can do for your heart right now, KC. We get to take the old memories, old feelings, and old traditions out and replace it with nothing but loving and happy memories, feelings, and traditions" he sighed as he held me even closer.

I held back tears as I began to speak. "I just can't picture starting a happy new tradition without a little bit of mischief. Freddie and Dora should be here for this." I whispered in an attempt to control my tears. Murphy stroked my cheek. "Dora is with you every time you swing that sledgehammer at the walls emblazoned with photos of your mother's cohorts. I know that because I've heard you in there calling her name roughly 42% of the time. She would be so proud of your big idea." He rested his chin on my shoulder as he held me.

"Are you proud, or even ok with my big idea?" I asked as I blinked the tears away. His jaw dropped. "Am I ok with it? It is the most incredible idea I've ever heard. I am honored to be a part of it. I can't wait to see it all in action. Building this with you will be the best thing I've ever done with my life" he gushed as he rubbed my shoulders. "... and, you're ok with living here? Away from your mother, grandmother, and the Kestrels?" I asked again, still feeling selfish. "When my mum and gran heard what we will be doing here, they knew I had to go. This is bigger than the Kestrels. I got to fulfill my dream of working with them. Which was incredible, but I became a pretty big Catapults fan when I started sleeping with the greatest beater they ever had', he growled as he nuzzled my neck. He was right. We were in the right place. we made the right decision to start this journey together.