Statehouse Thoughts & Headcannons

I Make It Worse

So Kathyc94  posted a chapter titled "I heard we were doing Colorado angst?" In their Statehouse Oneshots book.
You have to go read that first for this time make sense.
In fact, you should also read the 2 chapters I posted before this so you'll understand any of this.

Here I make it worse because why just have homophobia, religious homophobia, and Utah being a dick when we can ALSO have miscommunication, internalized homophobia, assumed betrayal/lies, a borderline panic attack, and have it be Utah's perspective to really spice up the miscommunication factor? Anyways, these have been your trigger warnings.

Also, prepare yourself for a very strong shift in tone, the beginning is misleading.

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It had been a reasonably good day. He had gotten work done, someone had baked cookies, and now that it was snowing outside him and Colorado were sitting by the fire, milk and cookies in hand.

He sat with his side pressed against the other, huddled under a blanket as Colorado demonstrates what he insists is the best cookie dipping technique.

Everything was warm. He listened to Colorado talk, watching the light from the fire place flickering and waving across his skin, reflecting in his eyes.

He could stay here forever, in this quiet little moment.

Talking about silly little things that no one else would care about but Coco, who finds them to be absolutely urgent.
Like the pros and cons of making hot chocolate with water or milk, why they should just make all firewood cherry wood because it clearly smells the best, what an injustice was done to the world when they stopped selling lime skittles and replaced them with green apple.

Watching the way the fire somehow made him even more beautiful, something he'd previously thought impossible. The light covered him in gold, emphasizing his warmth. It looked like he was glowing.
An angel that had chosen to grace Utah with his presence.

He must've lost his sense of time while staring because Colorado had finished talking some time ago and was staring back at him.

Slowly, Coco reached out, cupping the side of his face in a hand. Rubbing his thumb against Utah's cheek as he leaned in.

The kiss was soft and sweet, it was perfect-

Too perfect.

Utah froze, this shouldn't be happening.

This can't be happening, he flinched away, pulling himself from the others soft embrace. Its not allowed it's not- he can't- they- Colorado-
"You-" he couldn't do this, he couldn't so he resorted to what would've been expected of him in the first place.
"How disgusting," he had been about to start reciting everything they were both supposed to know and to follow, when Coco, sweet sweet Coco's expression turned to heartbreak.

His eyes were wide and his easy going smile from before gone, it stabbed at his heart.
"No, don't look at me all heartbroken," He wouldn't be able to take it.

"Did you actually think I would reciprocate?"

Had he slipped? Did he do something that would've let anyone think he's gay? Was it so horrible that Colorado of all people would do this to him for it?
It's not possible he actually likes him. He of all people couldn't actually love Utah, this was all a sick joke, he hadn't been loud enough, he must have messed up somewhere- and then Colorado answered.

"Well-" And that was enough. He did, he knew and everything was falling apart.

Utah cut him off with laughter, this was all a joke, he must have messed up somewhere. Where was it? What did he do? What was his mistake?

"You know my stance on these,,, things,, it's a sin." It's a sin and he had preached that so many times before, Colorado knew that, so how does he know this? He-
He can't break now, he needs to know, he has to play along with the idea the Colorado would ever like him. "And you ACTUALLY THOUGHT I'd like you back? were you dropped on your head as a child??" He had to force himself to speak at a normal volume but that was easier said than done as he descended into hysterics, frantically trying to save face, make it seem like there's no possible way he could ever be gay. That there's nothing wrong with him.

"...I- I didn't think that-" Colorado tried to interject again only for Utah to shut him down, using a practiced glare to cover up everything else.

"See, there's your problem! You don't think"

He didn't think, there was no thinking going on here because he had almost uncovered his best kept secret. When did he even figure it out? Had he been lying? Colorado was always so nice and kind and perfect, had that all been an act? Was it all just leading up to this? To the big reveal that he's wrong and doesn't fit in the mold no matter how hard he tries.
His thoughts were racing, progressively getting worse and worse and when he finally snapped out of it enough to come back to earth he noticed he had been reciting the lines he's supposed to follow.

Okay, good, so he hadn't just been standing there but-
When he looks up to Colorado's face he can see tears.

He's popping the joints in his fingers like he always does when he's anxious and he looked nauseous.
So it was a joke. It had been a joke and he had failed to convince him it wasn't true, now Colorado was disgusted with him just like everyone else would be if they heard.

He's anxious and probably wants to get away but he's crying, why is he crying?

This was all too much, he had been talking about god knows what, if he stopped to try and recall it he'd realize he had been talking towards himself, that this was his punishment. It was worded enough to sound like it was directed towards Colorado though.
So he got ahold of what he was saying and made one last comment, warning that feelings like this, joke or not, could lead to someone trying to kill them.

He couldn't take being there when Colorado looked so upset, especially when this time he can't hug him, say everything's gonna be alright and get out their favorite movie.

He walks off to his room, ignoring the fact Coco is still standing there.

As soon as he shuts the door the scope of the whole situation hits him.
A few hours later he can still hear Colorado sniffing from his room next door.
He skips dinner.

The day won't stop replaying in his mind and just-

Fuck.