illuminate. (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Chapter Four

WARNINGS: Smut and Violence

"To silence all the voices in my head

I thought it'd go away, it's getting worse instead

Wishing that I knew how

To calm these nerves but they're only staying loud

I fear the worst

I fear that someday I'll have to forget your face."

~*~*~*~

The S.H.I.E.L.D. Chalet. The Austrian Alps. October 2016.

Your lungs and throat burned as you fiercely sparred with Natasha. Sweat plastered free tendrils of hair to your face. Beads of it rolled down your back and forehead, stinging your eyes. You wiped them away with the back of your hand, unsure if the tears were from the sweat or from the horror you had just witnessed.

You knew it was a bad idea from the start, but Bucky wanted desperately to help his friends in some way, any way. So you supported his choice to have Wanda explore his mind in an attempt to find any information about HYDRA that wasn't in the files you had already gathered and decrypted. At first, everything appeared fine. Bucky's face twisted in some discomfort, but you expected having someone search your mind for memories was not a pleasant experience. After a few minutes, tears began to slide down his cheeks and his jaw clenched as if he were holding back a scream. His body tensed as he held his breath. His knuckles went white as he gripped the arms of the chair, fingertips digging into the plush padding.

You took a step forward; Sam grabbed your arm with a shake of his head. "Wait," he said, holding you back, "He's not telling her to stop." You looked from him to Bucky. His face only twisted in more pain as the minutes wore on. Beads of sweat dotted his forehead. And still, he didn't tell Wanda to stop. A horrifying realization crossed your mind; maybe he was unable to.

You wretched out of Sam's grip, making your way towards them. Natasha stepped in front of you. "Move, Nat," you said icily. Suddenly, Bucky threw his head back against the chair with a guttural cry, not unlike the ones he had made that night at the bank. Every scream pierced your chest like a dagger, twisting with each new explosion of sound. You darted past Natasha with a speed you were unaware you were capable of, slipping out of her reach. If no one was going to tell Wanda to stop, then you would make her.

However, a blur of blue knocked you backward. Pietro pushed you into a strong pair of arms that wrapped tightly around your waist. "Let me go, Rogers!" you pleaded, struggling in the super-soldier's vice-like grip. "Stop this! Please!" Your voice cracked as a sob escaped your throat. Tears poured hot down your face; your eyes remained glued to Bucky's form.

"It's his choice, sweetheart," Steve whispered calmly; he held you tightly to his chest. "Let him help."

You stilled your movements. You couldn't be the one to make choices for Bucky; no matter how badly you wished to protect him. He made his choice and must have thought it would be worth it to endure such pain. Your chest heaved with ragged breaths as Bucky continued to scream. "I...I can't...I can't be here," you said, gulping down deep breaths, looking at Sam. "Get me outta here." Steve nodded to Sam before loosening his grip around your waist, letting you go. Sam placed his hand on the small of your back and led you out on the terrace.