illuminate. (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Chapter Fourteen

WARNINGS: domestic violence and domestic abuse (NOT from Bucky, never from Bucky).

MUSIC RECOMMENDATION: Choose your favorite Depressed! Taylor Swift song for this chapter. My personal favorites for this one are Death by a Thousand Cuts for our dear reader and All Too Well for our love Bucky.

"I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there is no relief in waking...Better not to give into it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."

~*~*~*~

S.H.I.E.L.D. Chalet. The Austrian Alps. January 2018.

You sat slumped forward at the dining table, rubbing soothing circles on your temples. The only light in the darkness emanated from the dim computer screen in front of you. You weren't sure what time it was, but you estimated you had gotten about three hours of sleep before a nightmare woke you. You slipped out of bed without waking Wanda. That girl slept like the dead, and it was something you had come to appreciate over the past weeks since your team's mission in Tokyo. 

Inevitably, your mind always wandered to that night. 

Bucky stood by the bed, mulling over your words in silence. His gaze cast down to the floor, deep in thought. You braced yourself for his reply.

"Actions..." he mumbled to himself. After a moment, he looked up from the floor to you. "Then marry me."

You stood still, shocked into silence. Had you heard him right? Bucky looked at you expectantly. "What?" you murmured, finally finding your voice.

"Marry me, doll," Bucky said. "I love you more than anything. Allow me to show you how much." He closed the distance between the two of you, taking your hands in his. "You and me...we can have the life we always talked about...build a house somewhere peaceful...here or back in the States, Brooklyn or Colorado...wherever you want...we can make that baby...Have a family of our own." His hopeful eyes met yours with a warm smile, "Marry me, Y/N."

Tears welled in your eyes and your throat closed. For a moment, you were ecstatic, incandescently happy at the idea of building a peaceful normal life with James as his wife. The ultimate gesture of commitment. The ultimate promise that he would never leave again.

Then it came crashing down.

But to live that life, you would have to give up the team. Give up the fight. Could you do that? And marriage was no guarantee that he wouldn't leave again. You had seen it happen to many of your friends' parents growing up. Hell, your own grandmother left your grandfather, unable to deal with his PTSD after his time in the military. Leaving him to raise your father alone. Marriage was a partnership. Spouses were equals. They made decisions together. No one ever acted alone. Something both he and you had done in the past.

Bucky searched your face, awaiting your answer. Fear gripped your psyche in its clutches. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being left alone. His prior broken promise had shattered your trust in him. Tears escaped the corners of your eyes as you stepped back. You didn't want to do this. You didn't want to tell him no. You had promised him that you would always be there. But self-preservation is a powerful behavior, an instinct you could not shake.

As your hands slowly left his, Bucky's face fell, crushing your soul. With a slight shake of your head, you swallowed hard. "I...I can't," you said, your voice barely a whisper. Without another word, you brushed past him, leaving him alone. Unable to bear the pain on his face, knowing your fear was the cause.