Ultraviolence

Chapter 21: Possession

Song: Lost In The Fire - The Weeknd & Gesaffelstein 

Draco 

The unspoken tension between us lingered throughout Defense Against the Dark Arts, the first lesson of the week. Naming it a lesson was certainly an overstatement. The room was more silent than the library, most students had their head buried in their textbooks, and professor Umbridge refused to teach anything we hadn't already read before.

I first noticed Y/N's shyness when I sat next to her. The way she quickly tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and fixed her posture ever so slightly was endearing to observe.

She did always appear to be rather timid, but perhaps my observations were simply an unconscious exaggeration. I wanted to see her this way, I needed to see her this way. Vulnerable, insecure, shy. It made me feel safer around her, less fearful of my own tumultuous feelings.....more in control.

A few seconds passed before I noticed that she looked like she had something to say. After a short moment of hesitation, she finally whispered quietly into the small space between us,

"I think you have something of mine" the blood rushed to her cheeks and she continued softly, "I, umm, it would be nice to have it back." she stressed her eyebrows as if the phrasing of her own words came out the wrong way and embarrassed her.

It wasn't hard to deduce what she meant, though that didn't make it any easier to answer. I suppose I get nervous around her, too.

"That belongs to me now." I said after a few seconds of silence. She grinned before chuckling slightly, partly out of embarrassment and partly out of disbelief, I guessed.

"You can't be serious." She chuckled and faced me for the first time. The sight of her rosy lips distracted me for a moment.

"I like the uh.... colour. Scarlet is nice." That came out wrong, though certainly honest. I was too embarrassed to disclose my true reasons. I liked the colour, sure, but I liked the new feeling of possession it brought me more.

"You're such a pervert." She laughed lightly, amusing me. "Whatever. You can keep it. As a reminder, because that will never happen again." The softness in her voice faded as she turned away and continued reading. I'll admit, the words were not pleasant to hear, even if I knew that deep down she was lying. But overall, I didn't mind. It's fun when they play hard to get. Pansy certainly doesn't, which I always found rather obnoxious.

"If I didn't know any better, I would most likely agree with you" I whispered with little emotion before placing my palm on her inner thigh. "But I think a very...special" I moved upwards, "part of you disagrees."

She seemed to have difficulty breathing after that, which, of course, amused me. My delight subsided when she pushed my hand away. She probably did so normally, but to me, the slight indication of her rejection felt as harsh as it could ever feel.

I wondered whether she truly meant her previous words, but the thought alone provoked unwelcoming feelings. These feelings of rejection were far too familiar, which meant that I knew all too well how to handle them: by pretending they didn't exist.

"Fine then, play hard to get. We both know you're not." I hushed coldly. I regretted the bitter words soon afterwards, but her rejection had irritated me, even if I did deny that she had in fact rejected me. Her anxiety-inducing silence made it difficult to deny any further, and the insecurities creeped in more easily now. Did she truly not want me? Did she ever want me?

Perhaps I had imagined her affections towards me, although they never did last very long and were pretty scarce. The air suddenly felt heavier, my throat more and more dry. I didn't dare look at her, not even a slight glimpse. Out of embarrassment, sure, but, strangely enough, I found myself caring for how my harsh remark had affected her. It was an uncomfortable feeling, unexpected, but mostly uncomfortable. I never felt this way towards anyone in this Godforsaken place. How paradoxical, I alone was the one to hurt her and I was concerned for her feelings. I didn't like it, not one bit.

"For the sake of our... friendship", at last she spoke, with trouble, but speaking nonetheless, "I'll pretend you didn't just say that."

I laughed with little thought, which professor Umbridge did not like in the least. Thankfully I was one of her favorites, a perk of being a member of the Inquisitorial Squad. Although it was doubtful if that woman liked any students, let alone have favorites.

"Friendship?" I whispered in disbelief, still grinning from laughing shortly before. I never considered her a friend. I assumed she felt the same. I would have never expected any differently.

"Don't push me Draco - " The sweet sound of her voicing my name distracted me from her other words, which I immediately stopped listening to. I wished she would say it again and again and again, maybe by the dozen call I would have enough time to recompose myself and take in the sound all over again.

"Helllloooo? Are you even listening to me?" She spoke irritably. I noticed the lesson was over and that most students had already left the classroom. She stood up before I answered and began to gather her belongings in a rush as if she had somewhere important to be.

"Uhh yes. I heard everything. Friends sounds good." I don't know what made me say that. I definitely don't want to be her friend. Well, firstly because I don't really like her, and secondly because friends don't look at each other the way I looked at her, friends don't think about each other the way I thought of her, and friends certainly don't want to touch each other the way I wanted to touch her.

"Really?" her voice was higher than ever when she asked suspiciously.

"Sure." I lied. I'm glad that I did because the tiny smile she was trying to hide made my insides all tingly and the feeling I had when she called my name rushed back swiftly.

"Why are you in such a rush to leave anyway?" I asked, as a friend would, I imagine.

"I'm going to the library with Ginny. I'm researching obli-" she stopped herself and sighed before continuing "Doesn't matter. I'm just late is all." There was an awkward silence for a reason unknown to me before she spoke again, unsure of herself and her choice of words, amusing me all over again. "You should come, if you want" she stressed her eyebrows, wondering if that was the best way to phrase the words, I imagined. Her niceness made me suspicious but it was mostly endearing. It felt surprisingly normal, as if we should have always been nice to each other since our paths crossed.

"I'll see. I have more important things to do." That much was true. And besides, Ginny Weasley is, well, a Weasley... Not the best company I reckon.

"Well that was certainly impressive. Almost two minutes passed without you being a complete arse! Maybe by next week you'll be able to have a whole conversation without being one. I doubt it, but maybe, if you practice." she said patronisingly with a strong hint of sarcasm. She left before I could take offense by her bitter words.

'Friends', what a stupid idea.... I thought to myself as I headed to Quidditch practice. I ran over her words over and over again in my mind, blocking out any of the noise coming from the other members of the team once I made it to the changing rooms.

As always, practice was unbearably tedious and I resented my father for ever forcing me to join the sport. Flint went over his new (yet as always, incredibly flawed) training programme for what felt like hours before we entered the field for only 10 minutes (the idiot forgot to book it for longer). Practice made the library with Ginny Weasley feel like the most exciting offer now. Which was why I now found myself heading towards the library, drenched to the skin from the rain and splattered with mud.

Thankfully, Madam Pince was too occupied explaining to a first year Hufflepuff student that he needed permission from a teacher to read anything in the restricted section to notice the trail of water my wet hair was leaving behind.

I made my way towards the back of the library, hoping to find her there when I realised my presence might be unwelcomed now. She did seem pretty upset before she left earlier. And yet, my eyes refused to believe what was waiting for me, how truly unwelcomed i was, when I interrupted and saw the two girls kissing.