Ultraviolence

Chapter 23: Pretty When I Cry

Songs: 

People Are Strangers - Zella Day 

Pretty When You Cry - Lana Del Rey 

Y/N 

Daylight turned into twilight slowly at first, and then all at once. When we finally reached the underground common room, a darker shade of green had coloured the vast lake and the entire room smelled like burnt wood.

I thought he would have let go of my hand by now, but he didn't. Blaise, Pansy, and Goyle were sitting by the fireplace, conversing amongst themselves. Awkward silence followed after they all turned to face us. Goyle chuckled as if he were thinking 'it was about time', while Blaise looked enraged and slightly betrayed, as well. Pansy didn't look upset, irritated, or fervently jealous, but a combination of all three. The tension didn't linger for much longer. Before I knew it, he tightened his grip and led me upstairs.

I turned backwards halfway up the dark wooden staircase. They were all staring intensely back. I dwelled on the aftermath of this impulsive decision. I was planning on confronting Pansy tonight and sleep in my own dorm. That seemed pointless now.

Then, all other thoughts subsided when he demanded to lock the door, and I, overcome with what were once deep hidden desires, obliged. The light of the moon shining through the slightly open window illuminated the wooden floor and bed sheets. I turned away from the metal knob and faced him. It was the first time since the library that I did so.

He began to fidget with his ring anxiously, if I didn't know him any better, I would say he was nervous. I looked at him strangely. It was as if he had never done anything like this before. Of course, that couldn't be further from the truth.

He came closer before I had the chance to ask him if anything was wrong. My heart pounded inside my chest; my insides felt all tingly. I realised then and there that it was futile to speak. Even if the words somehow came out, they wouldn't make the least bit of sense. Nothing anymore did. Lust had taken over and logic was far far far behind.

He pushed me gently onto his small bed. I was now sitting on the edge, looking upwards into his eyes. His gaze intensified as he trailed his thumb softly across my chin, tilting it slightly. His thumb moved upwards, parting my lips slowly and entering my warm mouth. His thumb tasted a bit salty and clean.

His breathing intensified as he slowly began to unbutton my white collar shirt. His lips pulled back to reveal a tiny smile when he took in the sight of the black lace behind it, as if he had predicted the color and fabric and was glad to be right. He undid my pleated navy skirt faster, though not as fast as he unbuttoned and removed his uniform.

He roughly pushed me further into the made bed and bit the right strand of my underwear, removing it delicately. He came up again and set about doing things that almost made me black out, like plundering me with his tongue and hitting the spot that made my eyes roll back into my head. Faint moans echoed across the room as the strands of his light hair pressed against my inner thighs, heightening everything.

He stopped suddenly and leaned closer. Our faces were merely a few inches apart. I took in the smell of his expensive cologne and could feel his warm breath on the side of my neck, which he kissed, softly. Had it not been for the fact that he too seemed slightly nervous, I wouldn't have the courage to utter my next words.

"I- I've never... done this before." I whispered. He looked at me as if I had told him everything he had been dying to hear. His reaction couldn't have irritated me more. I sighed blatantly which amused him and a light chuckle left his lips. Which, of course, couldn't be any more predictable.

"You're so fucking predictable." We both laughed lightly at this indiscretion but pensive silence was quick to fill the air shortly after.

"I never-" He began to say but stopped himself soon enough. I didn't look him in the eye afterwards, because he seemed timid and I didn't want to embarrass him. Then, out of nowhere and filled with sudden conviction, he pulled me closer to whisper "I'll be gentle. At first."

I nodded. He mounted me slowly and heat began to pulse through my blood, turning my whole body pink. I gathered up the soft sheets at my sides as I blushed and moaned beneath him. The new sensation felt uncomfortable at first, and slightly painful, too, but nothing I couldn't handle. Eventually, the pain subsided and I was dissolved with pleasure, feeling as if I was falling apart beneath him.

He grabbed my hand sternly and wrapped his frail fingers around mine. I could feel us building up, closer and closer to the brink. His breathing intensified and he let out a soft spoken groan. I called out his name, over and over again, as we both climaxed.

We were both out of breath when his bottom lip partly touched mine. It seemed that he didn't want to commit to kissing me, but wanted a little taste nonetheless. He lingered here for a moment as though he were struggling, fighting with himself silently. Why, I couldn't possibly understand...

Nor could I rationalise why kissing him now felt more intimate than having sex. An intimacy I hadn't grown accustomed to being deprived of. I didn't even flinch when he finally pulled away, I didn't doubt that he would. He sat on the edge of the now messy bed, pensively silent for what felt like an eternity. I couldn't escape the feeling that somehow I had done something wrong.

I knew he was about to speak by the sound of his lips parting, I moved closer without thinking.

"Leave." he uttered coldly.

"What?" I inevitably asked, surely I misheard him, yet my heart sank to my diaphragm as if I hadn't.

"I said, leave." His tone was harsher than before. I stood beside him in silence, contemplating whether the words truly left his lips or whether I had imagined them.

"LEAVE!" He yelled impatiently and I flinched at this violence involuntarily. Still in shock, I stood up and started to get dressed. He remained silent. I had somehow convinced myself that I was dreaming, that this horror was nothing but a mere illusion. But with each step towards the door, the shock slowly subsided and he seemed more and more like a stranger.

I closed the wooden door slowly as I took in the sight of Goyle, sitting and leaning against the wall by the door attempting to finish his homework. And, though the entire hallway was now filled with boys of all ages staring peculiarly, all noise seemed to fade. The unbearable silence of my mind only gave me more space to feel like I've been stabbed repeatedly in the back.

Breathing never felt as difficult as this, the insufferable tightness in my chest heightened, and adrenaline circulated my bloodstream, as if my primitive body was preparing for an attack. But, it had been too late, the damage was done.

The common room was empty and cold. The only source of light came from the fading flames of the fireplace. Once I sat down, alone, I let a few tears fall down my face and brushed them away with an annoyed sweep of my hand. The mascara darkened my eye bags and fingers. How could he do this to me? I pondered silently. How could I let him?

I felt someone's presence before I even noticed a shadow getting closer. I only realised it was Blaise when he finally sat by me.

"I was wondering when he would kick you out." He smirked. My eyes remained focused on the carpeted floor and my mind miles away, still processing Draco's words. He proceeded to place his hand on my thigh. My eyes moved towards this crudeness but I could not seem to bring myself to respond in any way.

"Let's see what the fuss is all about then." He grabbed my face vigorously and kissed me hard. I hated how his lips felt, yet I couldn't bring myself to pull away. I couldn't bring myself to stop crying, either. When my tears reached his lips he finally pulled away, somehow more aggressively than when he leaned in to kiss me. He seemed angry but I couldn't be too sure, my vision was rather blurry.

"Pathetic." He hissed before heading upstairs. He pinpointed exactly how I felt about myself, so I couldn't feel much offense by this. I laid down on the furniture and dwelled on every decision that led me to this very moment. I cried myself to sleep before I reached all of the important ones.