Heart Attack • Shirbert

• 4 • fears, funerals, and fights

'You're as safe as a mountain,

But know that I am dynamite'

--

Matthew's funeral took place only three days after he died. 

Anne and Marilla had spent the time preparing themselves for the event and attempting to heal.

Marilla only knew how to be the caretaker, so that's exactly what she did. She wouldn't allow herself to crack, especially in front of Anne. In fact, no one would see Marilla emotionally grieve her brother's death for months, and the only one to see it would be Rachel Lynde. 

Anne didn't sleep. Every night she would only envision Matthew's dead body and feel guilty about being able to relax when all she wanted to do was have him back. 

Whenever her body allowed her to drift off, she had horrible nightmares of being taken away from Marilla by force. She saw herself back in the asylum. She saw the girls ganging up on her. They would pull her hair and torture her and abuse her and force her to-

Anne felt chills go up her spine.

I can't go back.

Funerals weren't about the dead, they were about the living. 

Almost all of Avonlea gathered around Matthew's grave on a rainy fall day. 

Anne couldn't even appreciate the euphoric feeling of rain on her skin or thrill of jumping in puddles with her kindred spirits. 

On rainy days, the barn would form a few small puddles where the floor caved in a little.

She and Matthew would put on their boots and jump around, getting soaked and dirty, but they didn't care. Marilla scolding them when they came in soaking wasn't horrible enough to ruin their moment of pure bliss. 

Marilla was thinking about the same tradition. She didn't care how dirty the floor would get, she would do anything to spend time cleaning dirt off of the floor if it meant Matthew coming back.

But he was being lowered into the ground.

Gilbert leaned against the tree, crossing his arms and angry. The priest reading some script out of the Bible could never honor a man like Matthew. His life was turned into meaningless words that everyone would forget 10 minutes after.

How can they simplify such a great man?

When the service ended, everyone scattered. Typically some sort of reception would be held, but Marilla decided against it. She was in no condition to host people who didn't know her brother. She didn't want anymore passive 'I'm sorry for your loss's or 'if you need anything...'s. She just wanted to be home with her girl. 

Marilla and Anne stood there as everyone left silently, except Gilbert.

He watched Marilla pat Anne's back and say, "Just be home before dark." before leaving Anne staring at the grave.

Gilbert once again approached Anne and just stood next to her. He knew she would react however she wanted to. He just wanted to show he was there. 

Anne, on the other hand, was angry that day, for exactly the same reason Gilbert was.

None of those people knew Matthew and none of them cared to. They didn't deserve to be at his funeral and hear the minister say the same five sentences he would at their funerals as well. Matthew wasn't just a father, he was her kindred spirit.

It was Anne against the world. So all she could bare to say was, "What do you want?"

Gilbert looked down at her concerned, "I wanted to see if you need anything."

"Why would I need anything from you?" She snapped, refusing to even look at him.

Gilbert already felt annoyed, "Maybe because you asked me to not to leave three days ago."

"I was weak."

"You were grieving."

Anne shook her head, "It'll never happen again. I'll never need you again. I don't need anyone."

Gilbert cringed at her words. Just days ago she was clinging onto him. What happened?

 "Anne, I'm just trying to h-"

"Help?" She finally turned towards him, "Make yourself useful and bring Matthew back if you want to help so much."

There was a pause between them. Gilbert couldn't believe she said that and neither could Anne.

Gilbert shook his head, "I tried."

"But you didn't try hard enough, did you?" Anne seethed, getting closer to him, "I thought you were a doctor."

"I'm not a miracle worker." He said coldly.

"Or a real doctor." Anne snapped. She knew she was hurting him, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore, "Matthew's dead and it's your fault."

For a second, Gilbert couldn't breathe, "How could you put the blame on me?"

"How couldn't I?" Anne bit her lip angrily, "He was alive when we got there."

"He was practically dead when we got there."

Both of them stared angrily in silence. All Gilbert wanted was to help Anne and deep down Anne wanted to be helped. 

Gilbert pointed at the grave, "I did my best to bring Mat-"

"Don't you dare say his name." Anne pushed him.

It wasn't hard and it didn't hurt Gilbert physically, but his heart broke.

He stepped closer to her, "Don't you think I feel that guilt every single day?" He yelled.

All of Avonlea could probably hear them.

"Don't you think I already see myself as a failure?"

Anne stepped back. She didn't realize the toll this took on him too, "Gil-"

"What do you think yelling at me is doing, Anne?"

The way he said 'Anne' with such disgust would haunt both of them for years to come.

Gilbert changed his tone, "It won't bring him back."

Anne didn't know what to feel or what to do. She was angry and she wanted to punch him. But she wanted him to hold her at the same time. 

But after all he just said, all she could muster was, "Leave."

Gilbert was done. He shook his head, "Oh, trust me, I was already going."

He walked away first, leaving Anne to stare at him and wallow in their argument.

She hadn't thought about him at all. She just wanted to make him hurt like she was. She succeeded in that and felt awful. 

If Gilbert had turned around, which he so awfully wanted to, he would have seen Anne gazing at him and ran back to her.

But he was too angry. She had assured every single doubt he held in his mind about his medical abilities and hand in Matthew's death. He would always feel like it was partially his fault, no matter how many times medical professionals, Marilla, Bash, and eventually Anne would assure him otherwise.