Heart Attack • Shirbert

• 56 • dashing, death, and decisions

'I'm right here when I see you I panic,

So scared of the way it might pan out'

--

Anne ran.

She darted between trees, hoping desperately she wouldn't trip or rip Diana's dress.

She didn't know exactly where she was going, she just knew she needed to be as far away from everything and everyone as quickly as she possibly could.

There weren't any thoughts that could circulate in her head. All she could focus on was the pain she felt from running so much, so far, so quickly.

Somehow, Anne ended up at the Avonlea graveyard.

She found Matthew and Marilla's graves, set beside each other, and sat next to them.

"Oh Matthew and Marilla, what have I done? What do I do? I've ruined everything."

She bent over herself, put her head in her hands, and finally started crying.

"I didn't tell him. He asked me and I said nothing. I stood there silently and said absolutely nothing. Why did I do that? Why couldn't I think? I had the opportunity then and there to finally do something. I could have followed my heart and I didn't. Will I ever let myself be happy?"

She picked her head up and stared at their graves, "I had the opportunity that was taken from you both. Yet I wasted it like an absolute fool. Why am I forever the fool?"

She wanted the graves to talk back to her. To hug her and tell her everything would be okay. To give her advice on how to find peace and happiness among the chaos she had created.

But that's not how death works.

Matthew and Marilla are gone.

"What do I do now?" Anne whispered.

The only response she received was wind blowing through the trees.

She took a deep breath. The only person who could solve her problems was her and she knew that.

And boy were there so many problems to solve.

She had to figure out what she'd tell Gilbert, if anything at this point. He was proposing to Winifred right now.

Do I still tell him?

She bit her lip in thought. It wouldn't do any good for her to, would it? He's finding his happiness proposing to Winifred and he finally made his choice. What right does she have to come out of the woodwork now, when it's too late, to suddenly confirm her love for him?

However, according to her thought exercise with Diana, Gilbert deserved to know his options. Therefore, he should know about her true feelings, right?

Then there was the issue of her future beyond her love life. College.

She needed to send her letter, either to accept U of T or Queens, today. Otherwise, she risked being too late for either. She had drafted both possibilities, now it was just a matter of which to postmark.

Anne stared intently at the gravestones, "What would you want me to do?"

She knew Marilla's answer. Marilla told her to go to Toronto herself.

Matthew would have supported whatever Anne wanted first. If Anne didn't know what she wanted, he would have supported Marilla.

Then why was it so hard to just write back to Liz and say yes?

Anne's mind reeled at that question, but it all came back to one thing.

Green Gables is home.

Anne never had a home before Green Gables. Moving to Toronto meant moving away from the one place she found stability. At least only being at Queens she'd still be close and could visit easily. Toronto was a lengthy train ride away.