'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book

Round One: "The Shadow Empress" By Rosanne13

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The Shadow Empress

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The Final Verdict:

Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 8.8
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 16
Plot (30): 21.5
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 8
Judges Vote (20): 12.8

Total: 72.1

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Individual judges votes and comments

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 5
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 18
Plot (30): 25
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9
Judges Vote (20): 13
Total: 80

Additional Comments: While I would like to see some characters other than ‘Victoria’, this had a really interesting start. I think you really have a nice idea here for your story, and I’m excited to read more and see what’s going to happen...I have a feeling that once she meets the KH/FF boys, she’ll cop out and her cold shoulder will start to melt. But I’m sure you having something less cliche planned xD.

I’m sorry I dont really have anything more to say about it, but you didn’t really give much to go on with just the one page of story. Personally though, I kinda don’t like that every character had to have a ‘unique’ hair color. Like even final fantasy--which is famous for it’s crazy hair colors--still uses the good ol’ browns, blondes, and blacks. OCs shouldn’t be all purple hair all the time. There’s nothing wrong with natural. Whenever I see something like that, it just makes me think that the writer is desperate to make their character seem more interesting, but you already have an interesting character. You don’t have to try so hard.  

 

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 17
Plot (30): 20
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9
Judges Vote (20): 12
Total: 72

Additional Comments: It’s an overall okay story- not the worst I’ve had to deal with, but I kind of wanted something better. More. It’s an introductory chapter that has more to do with the main character building herself than anything. Though it’s better than the horrendous “my name is [Name], I’m blah blah years old, this makes me fucking special, blah blah blah blah,” it was sort of a slow start. She also gave me a Mary Sue vibe due to her customizable appearance- what is she, an online build-your-own-doll?

I genuinely hope she gets her heart broken solely because it appears that she’s always the one doing the heartbreaking. But then again, that would be a bit cliche.