'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book

Round Two: The Shadow Empress by RosanneXIII

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The Shadow Empress

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Final Verdict

Spelling and Grammar (5): 3.6

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 11.4

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 14.8

Plot (30): 20.8

Fan Votes (10): 8.5

Judges Vote (20): 12

Total: 71.1

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 13

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 15

Plot (30): 20

Fan Votes (10): 8.5

Judges Vote (20): 15

Total: 74.5

Additional Comments: A silhouette of herself on the ground....a shadow? I think you just mean her shadow. It feels like your trying to really drive the point home that she is the shadow queen, but it just kinda feels like you're hitting us over the head with it. Contrary to what you might think, things got so much more interesting when you took the focus off Victoria and her shadows. If I'm being honest, Victoria really isn't that likable anymore, like in the first chapter she seemed like she was actually devious and like there was some deeper plot going on with her, but in this one she kinda just reminded me of a really fake, bitchy, high school girl feigning all sweet with her 'teehee'ing and playing dumb. That being said, don't get me wrong. I like this story. I think it is taking on some interesting challenges with having a 'bad' main character in a world filled with nothing but good characters (minus Vanitas xD), like most stories that try to take this kind of thing on go with a mixed cast of heroes and villains, but this really feels like its her against all of them, and there's some real danger in that that I'm excited to see you explore.

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 13

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 18

Plot (30): 23

Fan Votes (10): 8.5

Judges Vote (20): 13

Total: 79.5

Additional Comments: Hmm, I have to wonder if Vanitas really would show how shocked he is at what this Victoria could do. I mean, Vanitas is a cocky guy, and I think he'd probably try something more than sticking his Keyblade at her. And, I mean, he practically implied that he knew what she was, he knows about her darkness. And, though I'm taking it as him being his cocky self, he's also smart enough to sense darkness. And, seeing as how she's an Empress of darkness, I think he'd probably be able to tell her level of darkness is at least as much as his. Unless she has something to suppress the darkness so no one can sniff it out. (Since people can actually smell darkness.) But, I'm sure he could still smell it regardless as he himself is pure darkness. The point I'm trying to make is that Vanitas is a being of pure darkness. Victoria is an Empress of darkness. If that's the case, then Vanitas should be able to tell that she has darkness, regardless on whether she hides it or not. And when he does sniff it out, he should know that she can do things with the darkness like him and not be shocked. Especially since he's smart, but also very cocky. Now, as for everything else, it seemed to be moving fine, the characters were all nice but at the same time, I can't help but feel that something's a little bit...off? It's probably because we still don't know much about the characters yet, but, taking that away, I think that it's just fine. And, the characters seemed to be fine, though I have to wonder something. It's nothing really major, but, you said a white haired girl. At first, I thought you were talking about Namine, which would make me somewhat angry as she's blonde but it still wouldn't be a big thing. Then I thought maybe you meant to say that it was a guy as Riku was there. It's nothing really big, but it did confuse me a bit, so keep that in mind next time, as there were some other spelling errors.