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Fallout
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Final Verdict
Spelling and Grammar (5): 3.9
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9.7
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 17
Plot (30): 22.3
Fan Votes (10): 9.6
Judges Vote (20): 15
Total: 77.5
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 18
Plot (30): 20
Fan Votes (10): 9.6
Judges Vote (20): 15
Total: 75.6
Additional Comments: Ughhhhh...I'm so sorry, I'll try and be as unbiased as possible, but if there is one thing I can't STAND in a story it's a lyrics break. Thank god you only put in one line of the song at a time, but still. I won't let it affect my score in any way other than my judges vote because it's a personal issue, but I just thought I'd let you know why you lost points there. Just put the lyrics in the MM box if you really want the song in the story, don't interrupt the flow of the work. Or better yet, disguise the lyrics in the dialogue or something. I donno, I just find it distracting and unnecessary to devote a chunk of your story to song lyrics like thate.
Anyway, the only other feedback I guess that I have for you is that you're still not really giving us very much plot to go on, so it's kind of hard to judge it. Like, so far it's been interesting to see what a weird experience you're creating for us, but I'm left with a feeling of 'huh...well that happened. Okay, moving on.' because there's too much mystery. I don't know what's supposed to be interesting or catch my attention because apparently everything is. Obviously in the next chapter there's going to be more to it, and you're just biding your time so I'm not going to take off too much, but I swear to god if she wakes up in the 'hospital' bed room and it's another deserted, empty room with no explanation, no people, and there's minimal contact with another character (or their eye), I'm going to hunt you down and smack you. Five pages in and we only have brief mention of Zack and Angeal? That's gotta be a party foul.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4.8
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 16
Plot (30): 23
Fan Votes (10): 9.6
Judges Vote (20): 17
Total: 80.4
Additional Comments: I want to like this. But lyric breakdowns? I just don't like them. They tend to not make much sense and it just distracts from the story, unless done well. And it tends to be rare when I think it's done well. And that's why your writing score took a plummet. As for your character portrayal score, well, we still don't know how you're going to write these two. For now, they seem to be having a typical sorta conversation and also, I mean...I dunno, I just don't think I should reward you points for something I'm not entirely sure of because the conversation they have tells us nothing about their personalities. Now, moving on. There's the matter of the golden eye looking at the reader, who is still naked. Then, when he leaves, she wants him to stay? I guess it makes sense, considering that she's delirious and also not sure what the hell is going on, not to mention that she thought that she was alone this whole time, and she is still uncomfortable. But, at the same time, there should still be a moment of rationalization. For all she knows, this could've been the one who kidnapped her. He could have done things to her. So, though I get her initial reaction of knowing that there's someone there and wanting them to come back, for one reason or another, I doubt that she'd want to continue that train of thought, especially with her being nude and with no memory. Now, there really isn't much I can say here, that's really all I thought of when I read this story, which, don't get me wrong, is a good thing. Considering I made a page and a half review of someone's story, I think that this story is going somewhere! I just hope that it's a good direction.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 16
Plot (30): 24
Fan Votes (10): 9.6
Judges Vote (20): 13
Total: 75.6
Additional Comments: Overall, I enjoyed it. Grammar gets a few points off because I did notice a few errors here and there. One thing I was kind of on the fence about was the lyrics thrown in between paragraphs. See one of my favorite things about writing is the different ways an author can make their work flow, and sometimes adding things in that don't exactly match can work well. I, for one, like it when the writing is interrupted by something that is going to happen (does that make sense?), but there are really only certain places you can use this trick. The best places it works? Short areas. Prologues, summaries, etc. It starts to throw a reader off when it goes for a prolonged time such as your entire chapter. Despite that distraction, the chapter was still interesting. I'm still curious as to see what's up with the golden eye (I better get an answer to that punk, even if I have to wait to the very end I need answers). We also got to see some of our lovely FF characters. It was short, but hey it just means they'll be more in focus for the next one right? My last little tip for you is detail. You were really good about describing some things, but the part where Zack is like leaping through flames with the naked reader seemed a little lacking. It seemed rushed overall. Maybe you could've added more details in on his thoughts and what exactly was happening. I mean, Zack is carrying the naked reader through hot flames like I can see big medical issues coming from this. So just add a couple details here and there and try not to rush your writing. Oh! (This isn't really a tip but I needed to mention it) I liked your ending. I am a sucker for abrupt endings like that. Great job, keep it up, buddy.
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
قصص الهواةWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
