☁︎︎• 𝐿𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑛 𝑇𝑎𝑟𝑡, 𝑊𝑖𝑙𝑏𝑢𝑟 𝑆𝑜𝑜𝑡 𝑥 𝑜𝑐 • ☁︎︎

11

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

~~~~~~~~~

a/n **TW** : drunk violence / use of alcohol AND suicide reference !!!!!

~~~~~~~~~

tuesday, january 14th 2021

when I arrive home i find jack sitting on the sofa in the front room. as I approach him he cocks his eye brow 

"where have you been Lavender? It's 5:45. and you get off of work at 4." jack says slurring the words "off of". 

"I got stuck in traffic. foot traffic in brighton is terrible, so it causes cars to back up for blocks" I say (which is true) 

"BULLSHIT!" jack yells as he gets up from the sofa, picks up a glass of whiskey from the table next to him, then stumbles over to me. I whimper as he gets in my face. his beady eyes meet mine and i can see sweat lingering on his red forehead. his breathe was warm and smelled strongly of alcohol as he stands inches from me. 

"You're cheating on me. I told you those british men were quite something. oh i warned you lavender" he said stumbling around in circles nearly falling, ranting to himself quietly. he burped and started speaking again

"i told you lavender i told you" he said. that was all he could seem to say, after that it was just the same slurred sentences over and over again. he was infuriated. 

"jack. we've been here for a week. I haven't left my office space. the only place i've been aside from home is my office. you're being unreasonable." i say softly before he interrupts me again 

"oh you'll find a way lavender. you'll f-" he started to ramble, but then he collapsed into tears on the floor. he quickly changed his mood. now he was crying out 

"lavender please don't leave me I can't let you leave me." he cried 

i sat there rolling my eyes, and when he looked up and saw me he gritted his teeth and yelled through his teeth with his voice cracking 

"lavender if you leave me i'll kill myself and it'll be all your fault" he pleaded before crying again. 

"jack. i was in traffic. end of story." i ended the conversation and went upstairs. Sitting down at my grandmothers old desk, i pulled a piece of coffee stained parchment and a thin pencil out of the drawer and started sketching. light sketching. 

after drawing an arrangement of flowers, vases, houses, and cigarettes i ran out of ideas for drawings. i racked my memory, but it was impossible to think over jacks wails downstairs. i thought about checking on grandma, but i already know that she has her hearing aids turned off. she's okay.

after a while of thinking, i just decided to draw a small portrait of wil. it was easy enough. it was the only thing that I haven't drawn yet in all honesty.

after about 2 hours, it was done. the boy on the paper in front of me had small eyes, squinting because of his gummy smile. he wasn't wearing his glasses because i didn't want to ruin the drawing by messing up on the glasses. instead, his hair is falling in curls just below his eye brow. it looked like a picture. as i was examining the drawing heavy footsteps start thumping up the staircase. i panic, and smash the picture into my wallet, and threw the wallet in a drawer. 

as jack enters the room, he stops at my desk, grasps my shoulders firmly and looks at my drawings. 

"nice doodles hon" he says patting me on the back, then falling asleep on the bed.

after i brushed my teeth, i crawled into the bed next to him, but turned my back away from him, keeping about 15 inches of space between us. when jack started snoring, i was envious. i couldn't seem to fall asleep. what felt like every 15 minutes, i checked my phone to see the time, but every time it was a new hour. I just couldn't get wil off my mind.