inside my head

new med land

the doctors have me on some new medicine called paxil. i think its helping. no anxiousness, im feeling pretty chill and i have felt like dying for about a day and a half now. until i think of what happened Tuesday at school. my friend moody i told you about was talking to me in the hallways when he looked at me and said "why wont you forget me if i gone?"

i said "because you are my friend and i can understand you."

he said "what do you mean you understand me".

i said "i know what your thinking a lot of times". stuff like that runs in my family. were sensitive to things and ive always been able to understand what a persons feeling. i think im going to use this to become a psychologist. 

he didnt believe me and said "ok tell me what im thinking right now".  I looked up at him and said your sad, you dont believe me and i think you kinda love me in a way." 

he got really pale and looked at me and said "How do you know all that"

I said "because i have eyes that can see you."

he looked me in the face and said "what am i thinking right now then" 

i looked up into his eyes and my insides dropped out. he didnt love me someway he loved me the way. i wanted to just shove him into a locker and run. i said " your confused right now i cant tell there's to much stuff going on in your head"

He said " Your wrong im thinking im in love with you and i have been for a while. I wanted you to know that"

i thought i was gonna throw up. I literally just wanted to disintegrate. I said " Your confused."

after that i just stood there while he said it over and over again. then he said " I know it wont get me anywhere but i wanted you to know it"

i was glad he knew it wouldnt do any good but still i wanted to just rewind it all and not look into his face. now every time he says hi or talks to me thats all i can think about. ive resorted to hiding. its not that im avoiding him but i feel so guilty. IM ENGAGED! as in GETTING MARRIED. he was one of the first people i showed my ring to. 

hes always so sad all the time and now this! he said " I dont know why you dont feel like yourself anymore and you said you used to be so much better than what you are now. I still see you first when i walk into a room or assembly"

that made me feel kinda good to know that i can still be seen but i didnt want him to say it. I just dont know what to do. hes my friend, but i dont want him to feel for me.

I dont have room in my heart, i dont even have my heart. I gave it to carl the day he sang to me and we started dating. It hasn't beaten for anyone else since. 

I didnt tell carl what happened cause i dont want him to think anything did happen. i stood there like an amazingly awkward statue and thought about how hard i was gonna hit him if he tried to move in to kiss me or some shiz like that. i woulda gone for the nose. Carl taught me how to punch really good just in case something like that happened and im ashamed to say i wouldnt have stopped at one hit if he tried. 

When people move in on me i feel enraged to my boiling point. when they complement or hit on me i feel pretty but if they move in or go all serious like that it makes me want to hurt them on principle. I guess thats just my homicidal tendencies..

 Ill always love carl but sometimes i wish he could say something like that. something like he sees me first when he walks into a crowd. the thing is i dont think he thinks he has to say it. and i guess he doesnt really cause i can feel him feeling that. 

i think maybe thats why i can last with carl. his outside show isnt very nice or loving towards anything because he had to be that way to survive growing up. " He was always a very cold child." that's what his grandma said. " Im normally the only one who can reach him"

I used to reach him before i was cut off from myself. as i work my way back towards me maybe ill reach him again. I told him how sorry i was for loosing myself, the parts that he loves most. He said he loved me anyways and that hell support me. 

i could always feel his love for me though, even when he wouldnt outwardly show it. maybe that's why i felt so alone. i had cut off that part, the part that feels, i cut out all of that when i started to go crazy. 

its all coming back though. my soul is calming down inside me. its like it feels our connection rebooting. i know ill take my punishment for this soon. i can already feel his storm brewing. but i know like so many others, this too shall pass. 

I dont know what ill do in the mean time. im somewhat colder to moody now and he notices and keeps his distance, mina's grandpa died and i went to his funeral today to be with her, and carl is starting to steam now that im strong enough to take the burn. 

even with all this fit fixing to hit the shan i feel like ill be ready. i may not be there yet but the worst will come when i am. ill stand strong through it like i always have. 

carl is a devastating force and i am an unyielding opponent, well sharpen the other as we always have, in fact im kinda looking forward to it in a way. our worst fights happen periodical and we always come out stronger afterwards. ill be happy to be strong with him again. 

until then my lovelies, stay medicated. 

-prettykittyears