inside my head

crushing yourself

im sick again. my organs have swollen up full of worry and sickness and period and just pain. I got in a fight with my parents. again. only this time i really moved out. like everything. i came back after i got sick but still. that break is there. my dad hit me again. its been a while but i almost forgot how bad it really hurts. my mom... i dont wana talk about it. the stress made it impossible to take my medicine so ive gone back to momo land full of the horrors and hells of everything. depression. 

ive grown out of my prom gown. the sick swelled me up to a size phenomenal. like a prego lady. my stomach wouldnt stretch any further. It kills me. it really does. i just wanted to go to prom. just go. look so pretty in his head. have him love me like every girl dreams just for one second, just one small second. 

carl isnt the mushy type. hed hold knife to your throat and see how much your trust him, test your control to know how to break you. he made me love him that way. appealed to the complete freak in me. 

he rarely ever gets mushy, but now that im stuck in this horrible place inside me i need those moments. just him calling me pretty can make me cry. i know its weak to depend on him but i do. i hate that i need him and i need meds and i need all this shit besides just needing myself because truly i would rather be dead than be me but im to big of a coward to kill myself already.

i think he needs me. when were alone it seems like he maybe still does... but not in the same way. he needs me to be me again. the me outside of this box. I cant wait to get break out of this box.

the pain in my stomach is half sickness and half self loathing. like im crushing my own innards. I hate my guts. i cant go back to the doctors until after prom.. if i get to go to prom. I just wana have him see me like that.

in my wildest dreams i just want him to look at me like he used to. half amazed and the rest comfortable. not looking so scared of setting me off. trusting me to myself again. 

i want him to look at me like im beautiful in a different way. like the way i smile at the books i read, the way i look when i smile big. he used to say stuff like that when he was still winning me. sometimes hell look at me on a good day and say god your beautiful. 

but am i or is he just trying to play with my head again. thats always what i think after the joy evaporates. am i beautiful... does he love me or just want sex.. what am i doing with my life.. do i call him pretty back.. i dont believe he means it.

nobody really loves me. i dont think so. no one really loves me. carl used to maybe. but who could love a skitzoid like me? 

i want to get better, to get out to breath to be free to fly out of myself and shine like i used to. no worries no cares nothing but love. i was so full of love. love for everyone who needed it in any way. my souls love to carl, my parents, my sisters my dogs.... 

i think they only one who really really loves me is my dog.. even then i wonder.. 

i think ill get back there when i get out of this part of my life. when im no longer in a high school full of people pushing me when my parents no longer worry so hard that ill be horrible and ruin everything i worked for.. ill go to college and learn things.

learn how to help people like me. psychopaths, kids who are stuck and crushing themselves, people who try to hang themselves but fall at the last second like my moody.

yes my moody. one of my best friends. my best friend moody. there i said it. i cant love him enough to cure him i can never love anyone like that again, my souls love is all carls, all his all my life, but i love moody as you love a best friend. and he knows because ive said it the second time he called me gasping. 

i told him i will always love him in the way you love your best friend, and i think that made him feel better just to know that as he loves me like that i can love him back to.

nothing will ever compare to carl, or my parents or my little dog.. but my best friend moody will always have a spot as my best friend in my heart. 

all the people in my life i will love... moody momma daddy doggy mina and carl. until i have children i think they willl be the only people i will ever really love, but i dont know. maybe i will be able to love like i used to again someday. when im out of the box ill love freely again.

never like carl or my true friends, but love still. love of humanity, believing that everyone deserves it. i cant wait to feel that again. like PJ Sparkles. 

shell light the world with love....