inside my head

if i wasn't afraid to fly.

Got carl on the phone. After a miniature meltdown i feel much better. its easier to talk after i start breathing again.

my whole insides feel like they are burning me. I cant trust myself. I change so quickly all that stays constant is this burning rage in me. I dont know if i should think of it as a friend or an enemy. on the one side it keeps me alive i guess. keeps the sadness and fear from swallowing me down its giant ugly throat and killing me. on the other it leads ot attacks just the same as the sadness but violent. I hit and scream. Ive lit my hair on fire.

Im not proud to admit that carl has taken it on sometimes. I feel so ashamed looking back on all that hes been through, i think if he was any weaker i would have killed us both. i hurt him the most and always during my violent attacks. hes had to pop my wrists out to keep me from hitting him and pin me to the walls until i stopped struggling.

He never tried to hurt me. I just got so angry and scared. angry because i felt he was letting me suffer alone. scared because i thought he would leave me. he tells me all the time i need help. I know he remembers me for who i was. i used to be so strong.

i feel even more shame when even after all hes done to keep us both save during my attempts to remove the flesh from his bones i still accuse him of not loving me. of not being there. he is so angry. i never stop to try to see through his eyes anymore

there once was a time where i looked through his eyes everyday. i think that's why he loved me. because i saw he was crazy and i didn't care. i embraced it. His crazy is much better than mine. he enjoys his, mine rips me to shreds.

he doesn't know yet that im writing this. Mostly i think the part he'd be angry about most is me telling about the physicality of my panic and that i call him carl.. probably hell hate the carl part the most.

if he ever does read this i hope he knows im sorry, im just letting it out so it will stop drowning me.

im a funny person. im either drowning inside in my own guts, or burning from the inside out with pure hatred. and everyone thinks katniss everdeen is the only girl on fire.

I made a reference to that today to this girl in my class. I dont like her much but shes still a comrade i guess. I will call her schmoo. SCHMOO. its fun to say out loud you should try it. Schmoo was finishing a test after class. I said god spee my friend may the odds be ever in your favor. Mina looked at me like i was stupid, i was just glad i gotta drop the line.

thats another thing. Mina. Im always so scared she doesn't really like me. I even confessed this once. she told me i was crazy and if she didnt like me i wouldnt be sitting in her room right now. I must also confess that im jealous of her. not jealous enough to hate at all but enough to be uncomfortable sometimes. shes so thin, gets called pretty, and is so much fun. she doesnt burn like i do and she can make a life like most out of tin foil from a baked potato in five minutes...

Carl wont stop sing baby by justin beiber to annoy me. I told him i would snip his vocal chords in the night if he didnt stop singing. now hes just doing it in different voices. why must he annoy me?

back to mina. I love mina. i truly do. besides carl shes the only one who knows exactly what i go through... well not exactly but enough to know im struggling. my muscles are killing me and my headaches are back

i get headaches every-time i forget to take my medicine.. ive been without it for four days now. there stating to really kill me. ive gone back to collapsing on my bed as soon as i get home and crying again. I wish i could just get to the doctors and get a refill. i was on the call list but they didnt call and i missed my appointment.

you can never trust the doctors here they leave the phone off the hook so they dont have to answer.

its getting much harder to get through school. the thing with gold today had me all but ripping my hair out. i do that too besides occasionally setting it on fire i rip it out in great handfuls during my fits. my eyebrows and lashes arn't save either. at school i will pluck them out when i begin to get too uncomfortable.

i swear everyone was watching me today. i dont know what they have against me but i truly hate them all. except a few. all except a few. a very few. I dont wish harm on them all but i will admit i wish harm on most.

im not afraid right now as i type this because even though i dont know you i feel ok enough to trust you. you cannot judge me from all the way over there and im feeling less and less bunt. writing this has become a life raft. thank you all for this. even though you probably wont read all the way through thank you. i feel so much lighter

i would be a super hero if i was not afraid to fly..