inside my head

boys in bars

my sister is getting married on saturday. im really happy for her but im kinda jealous too because im not the maid of honor and i really wanted to be. oh well though i guess cant win it all. she met her husband to be at a bar. yeah i know right. when she asked me to babysit so she could go on a date with a guy she met in the bar i was like errrr no i dont want you to end up on dateline but what do you know the guys pretty much awesome. really calm, financially stable, loves kids, and hes older than her and keeps her insured but still manages to spoil her with things like nails painted and karaoke trips together. nice right?

speaking of nice carl and i went and stayed the night with his dad this weekend. it was cool. the kids drove me a little mad but that because human interaction is a little hard for me. im not very good at it. i played with them though and did really good. He got to play with his little brother and his dad was really happy that we came over. so was his step mom. 

I got my prom dress this weekend also. its purple. its pretty and everyone says they like it but im not crazy for it. to tell you the truth i picked it so i wouldnt have to spend any more time with my mom. were trying to make it so i like it more with some better straps and a corseted back so i can eat. thats the part im scared about. my stomach has gotten even worse than it was. after i dropped all that weight at once i started swelling over and over really painfully. i have a doctors appointment in two days though so im definitely going to get it looked at. add it to the list of things i can no longer handle. 

i guess its finally hitting me thats its the end of the school year. i have like 9 weeks. the sad part is i cant wait for it to be over. the sadder part is that its my last week with moody this week. im worried. so worried. i hope hell stay. i dont think hes going to die. i think hes going to run. i hope its only running. im trying to find out but he just tells me he has to leave and hes sorry. 

i dont know what to do anymore. about anything. times running out for me. for all of us. after all were already dying...