𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖘 ✦ jaesahi

chapter 41

i want to give some spoilers for my upcoming hajeongwoo story but my ass don't know how to 😭😩✌️

song of the chapter: clyde by tanerelle

The silver box of cigarette laid on the top of his shelf and he didn't hesitate to grab it. His black lighter was laying on his desk, he took it in one hand and the cigarette box in the other. The video camera was still rolling, he glanced up at it as he propped a cigarette between his lips. A blank expression covered his face. It felt awkward. For some reason, he felt like someone would go and watch his video diary.

He lit the cigarette, watching the flames slowly eat it down. Smoke cascaded from the tip of it. He took in a pull of smoke, feeling it circle in his lungs. Then blew it out in front of him after a few seconds. He felt relieved, but the agonising weight still strained at his heart.

"I know." He told his camera. His tears have matted down on his face since he didn't bother to wipe them. Feeling more and more pathetic by the second. Missing Jaehyuk was the worst part of it. He didn't know whether to hate him or not.

"I should quit." He said, holding the cigarette between his middle and index finger. He always thought that whenever he smoked. Yet whenever he felt upset, it was the only thing he resorted to.

"Once I find something that makes me feel better than smoking, I'll quit." He held the top of his nose bridge between his thumb and index finger, massaging it. His head was throbbing, with pain spreading through it with every throb. His face fell into a grimace as he leaned his head back against his desk chair. His roommate wasn't back yet. He didn't know if he should've felt worried.

"I was hurt because I thought he was the one for me. I'm such an idiot. Where did that thought even come from?" When the weight in his heart got heavier as he said that, he inhaled another round of smoke into his lungs. He didn't know who he should be mad at. Him or Jaehyuk.

"I just want to beat myself up for ever letting myself think that, even if it was only for a little bit." He blew out the smoke and slouched in his seat. Recalling the moments from the car. His heart plunged into his stomach. He felt hurt. Angry. Frustrated.

" Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved ." He shrugged. As much as it pained him to say it, he wanted to be honest with himself. No one in his life that he's been with has never actually loved him. He was just some sort of phase to them. Just another person to experiment with.