𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖘 ✦ jaesahi

chapter 49

i'm this close from going insane and recommending classical music.

song of the chapter: swim in the light by kid cudi

TW: panic attack

Jaehyuk sat in the lecture hall, spacing out. His stomach would tie itself into knots whenever his sadistic mind brought up the fact that he would have to go to his parents' house in a few days . And like always, Asahi's been avoiding him, it's been over a week. Asahi never returned his calls. Jaehyuk was a mess.

It was his fault anyway. He always ruined what was good. Always acted on his impulses. That's what he thought. What was he even doing at this point? What was the right thing to do? What was the right emotion to feel? Should he just feel nothing? or everything?

sickening. It felt sickening. Just the thought of him going to his parents' house made him sick. He didn't hate his parents. In fact, he loved them. But he hated all the others. What if people visited? His anxiety didn't make sense to him. He tried to ration with himself in his mind. Asking himself all sorts of questions. Why are you this nervous? What about the visit felt so nerve wracking? Why are you being so dramatic?

These questions failed to calm him and ground him back to reality. Instead they did the complete opposite. The questions made him more stuck in his own mind and thoughts. He kept on asking himself these questions though he knew they didn't work. He still had some hope he would be able to calm himself.

He felt dramatic, but every thought in his mind was freaking out. He was stressed out by everything around him. College. Money. relationships. And going to his parents house and facing criticism and mockery was the last thing he needed. Whenever his mind would wander off, he forced it to come back to reality. But now, that tactic didn't work anymore.

It took him a second to realise his hand was shaking. He looked down at hid hands with his brows furrowed. He abruptly shoved  his hand away from the desk and put it on his lap. His hand hand was clenched into a fist to stop it from shaking.

His eyes glared at the professor in the front of the room to keep himself focused. His mouth felt so dry. A lump formed in his throat. It took him a few seconds to realise his breathing was narrowed into short breaths. He took a shaky deep breath in.

Not even giving himself the chance to let it out, he snatched his backpack from the ground and walked out of the lecture hall . His footsteps quickened when he entered the hall. Tears were threatening to fall and he couldn't be surrounded by people. The tightness in his chest ached.

Once he locked himself in a bathroom stall, he couldn't control it anymore. His hands ran through his hair as the tears fell uncontrollably . His shaky breath was the only thing he heard. He heard it magnified. Nothing else was audible. His leg was bumping up and down. His senses were intensified . He felt everything.

Sweat covered him from head to toe. It felt like his clothes were tightening around him, chocking him. His thoughts were screaming at him. He didn't know what they said but he was terrified . He felt like throwing up. His head began to throb with pain surging through his veins.

His hands began to shake again. Shaky breaths hiccuped between his lips. His thoughts were so loud. Everything felt numb. He was losing his control. He tried to take in deep breaths but to no avail.

"No." He muttered shakily when he realised his state.

"Fuck." He said again, punching his fist on his thigh. He didn't feel real.