If Only...

FEAST AND FAMINE

I walk around the kitchen with my hands behind my back, nodding at everyone doing mundane things with a little more finesse and creativity. They're doing good. For now.

Wonder what it'll be like with me gone for three days . . .

But somehow, looking at Adam gives me strength and assurance. He has real talent. It's absurd that I'm only realizing that now. Ian's idea was a good one in that it had other benefits too. It increased everyone's exposure in the kitchen and introduced us to them.

I quietly walk over to him, referring to a book and cooking the soup.

"Hey." I smile.

"Chef." He nods briefly and then commences.

"You're doing good."

"Thank you, Chef." He nods again, his eyes still in the cookbook.

God! Did I do something so wrong that he's patronizing me? That he won't even talk to me anymore?

"Look at me."

Adam ignores me, and continues to braise the vegetables. I shut the book close almost in his face.

"I said, look at me!"

He sighs and obeys.

"What is your problem?"

"You shut the book, Chef." He says quietly, nearly burning holes with his eyes into mine.

"Adam . . ." I sigh.

"Yes, Chef?"

"You-- . . . Can't things just go back to the way they used to be?"

Although I didn't exactly mean that. But anything is better than this. It's become enough to make me cry.

Hold it in.

"I thought this is what you wanted, Chef."

"No." I shake my head and swallow.

End this. Now.

My hand shoots forward and grabs his arm, and before I know it, I'm dragging him to the back of the kitchen. A few pairs of eyes follow us, but I make sure we're hidden behind the partition wall.

"Tell me what your problem is." I cross my arms.

"I don't have one." He mirrors my action.

"Then why the hell are you like that?"

"Like what?" He shrugs like he has no idea.

"That! Listen, Adam. Whatever happened, it's forgotten, okay?"

"Okay. Anything else, Chef?" He clenches and I swallow hard. I don't understand what has brought this on. This kind of episode has happened before and he has never revolted like this before. So what made the difference now? Is it because Danny's in the mix? Or is he just mad at me?

"I'm sorry, okay? What else do you want me to say?"

"You don't have to apologize, Chef."

I clutch my forehead to keep it in, but I can't help the tears as they fall.

"Then why do you hate me so much?"

We lock eyes, and Adam gasps. He keeps staring at me, as tears roll down my cheeks.

Great. Now he knows I'm weak.

"Alex, I . . . "

"Mommy, can I have a glass of water?"

Rosie's voice comes up behind me. I quietly wipe away the tears, thinking that they were uncalled for and that I haven't told him enough. He should know the real reason why I turned him down--even before Danny--because of my past. But I don't want his pity. I don't need anyone's pity.