If Only...

BEARING FRUIT

"Thank you, Alex."

"Hey, come on. . ." I say, like it was nothing, though that picture meant the world to me. It reminded me that things couldn't possibly be worse than then.

"No, really. This means a lot."

I know.

I smile with him and he tucks it into his wallet, sighing.

"If only I had said something else to you that day . . ."

Oh. That talk already.

Am I ready?

"Hey, don't do this to yourself, Danny. You couldn't have helped it--"

"No, I could have, Alex. Even in the way that I had said sorry. . . It should've been 'I'm sorry for what I did' instead of 'I'm sorry, I can't do anything' . . . "

"I don't think that one nuance would've helped, Danny. It's just. . .there were a lot of 'If only's' that night:

If only we had gone earlier and had actual punch. . .

If only my mom were home that night . . .

If only we had used protection . . .

If only Lily wasn't in a coma and Brian was away and your dad. . .and my mom. . ."

He clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably, but I go on. He needed to know.

"And here's my fault: If only I had trusted you and . . . our love enough to know that you'd do something about it later on. And I should've stayed."

"I don't blame you for that, Alex. I can't imagine what you must've gone through. You were in a lot of pain. But you believed that I would've done something about us later, right?" He gazes into my eyes, hopeful as ever.

"No." I sigh, only hurting him again. But it was better than nothing. "I mean, I thought you didn't want me or the baby, so. . ."

"I'm sorry." He looks away, . . . abashed?

"Hey, come on. Fate had a hand to play too, you know. Everything was going wrong and what happened was bound to happen, Danny. One way or another."

"But I can't help but blame myself for it." He sighs, sinking lower and lower to the floor with every breath.

"It was my fault too." I add, but he just smiles, reaching his arm out to me. Like before. When he'd been upset over his dog, Gatsby falling sick, and I had tried to make him feel better. All he did was take me into his arms and kiss my forehead.

But he thinks better of it now and retracts his hands.

"Yeah, but I think mine accounts for 99%" He says instead, his eyes still looking for something . . .

I shift.

Oh?

Okay. If that's how you wanna play it . . .

"No, 50%. Because if you take it down to that night, I know that regardless of our decisions, I . . . willingly got into bed with you and . . . actively participated or whatever."

Very subtle.

I cross my arms and shift my gaze toward the beige painted wall, feeling my cheeks on fire. And what's more? He's chuckling. Well, its better than him sulking.

"Well, I guess you could say that."

"Say what?" I humor him along.

"Never mind." He shakes his head, disregarding the thought. Then it hits me.