If Only...

CRYING OVER SPILT MILK

"I met him when I was sixteen. My friend Lily said that his family had moved down from the Upstate for a quieter life. We lived in a small town and I guess news like that just spreads, you know? I thought Lily was messing with me when she said he liked me only on his first day at school, but when I caught him looking at me, I . . . I don't know. I wanted to believe her, though I couldn't. He was too perfect, Stella. He . . ."

I sigh, shaking my head, reviewing what I was doing in my head. Do I need to go through this again?

I glanced at Stella with second thoughts, but her eyes didn't let me wander long. I had to do this.

"Anyway, he uh . . . he always had this camera around his neck wherever he went, and he was such a charmer. He hadn't even been there a week that Ms. Harris, the principal appointed him as the new photographer. He was really talented and he deserved it . . . And Lily wouldn't stop badgering me about talking to him. I told her I was waiting for him to do it, just to get her her off my back for a while, when one day, he showed up at my house."

"Really?" Stella gasps, a small smile on her face. I welcomed that smile, trying to hold on to it.

"He said he was there to snap a picture and he said . . . other things, but I still wasn't ready to accept it. Not until I found his box."

"His box?" Stella questions meekly, not wanting to interrupt me, but I knew that was in her nature. Neither was talking in mine.

And here we are.

"Yeah, I caught him with a cardboard box full of pictures of me. And when I confronted him about it . . . The way he spoke . . . it was more than just a crush, Stella. I mean, he--he really cared about me. He wasn't like the other boys. He promised me so many things and he said that we were meant to be together and I just had to be with him, you know? I . . . I trusted him."

I swallow, and Stella grips my hand.

"My mother never encouraged boys, but I convinced her somehow, you know? But I couldn't believe how much I wanted it. How much I wanted to be with him . . . Well, we became inseparable after that and everything was really perfect. I loved my life back then. He showed me things I never even knew existed, Stella. He introduced me to his life and I couldn't be away from him. He was like everything I needed. . . Everything that was missing in my life. He . . . completed me. It felt right, being with him. I know I sound pretty cheesy, but . . . it's the truth."

I shrug, my own words skewering my heart with bitter nostalgia. I close my eyes for a second, and there he was, like it was only yesterday that I met him. I shake my head, willing myself to keep my eyes peeled. It was good, but it was over then, and it's still over now.

"I had the best two years of my life with him and there weren't that many bumps along the way like I had expected them to be. Probably because it was all too good to be true. . . . And the night of Homecoming, I realized that it was.

"I should've probably seen it coming from the notoriety the last years, but since it was senior year, I decided to be risky. Turns out, the punch was spiked really high, because it was senior year, and . . . . well, I was drunk. My first time drinking without even knowing it and I was drunk."

"Is this why you don't drink anymore?" Stella coos. I nod in reply.

"Go on."

"Um . . .yeah. I don't remember much, but . . . there was a kind of . . . entity that I didn't even know I had, unshackled that night. I, afraid of the word heights, was ready to jump off the hoop's backboard after some maniac got me up there. I don't remember who it was, but Danny got me down and . . . " I frown, the memory evading me again, scurrying back behind the wall I had built in my head, never to tear down again.