If Only...

NOT KNOWING BEANS

I carefully shut the door behind me, exhaling.

Home.

I realize only now how tired I really am. Today was a long, tiring, tedious . . .

Pleasurable . . .

. . . and upheavaled day and all I want is to drop flat into my bed.

But first . . .

I take off my shoes and tip-toe into Rosie's room, to check on Danny.

He is facing away from me, fast asleep. I cautiously walk up to him, and find his mouth half-open and a drool patch underneath it on the pillow. I smile and wipe his mouth with the hem of my blouse, and then hover over him.

I notice only now that his breathing isn't steady and that it is almost ragged. He's probably still thinking about it. I was so mad at myself that I hadn't thought about how he's taken this. I sigh, running my fingers through his hair.

But I will not waver from my decision. Contradicting myself, I lean in further.

It's okay. He's asleep.

Brushing his hair aside, I press my lips lightly to his temples. Danny breathes deeper, and his body seems to relax even in his sleep. He stirs and then mumbles something; it's hard to tell, but I think it was my name.

Somehow, he knows I'm there.

"I'm here, baby . . . Go to sleep."

I kiss him again and run my fingers through his hair guiltily, until his hitched breathing subsides.

Great. Now I can't sleep.

Yet, I try. I was too tired to shower and that was the one thing that helped. I sigh and yank my jeans off, and then collapse on the bed.

But I don't fall asleep quite immediately. I have a stubborn mind, remember? Basking in the midnight glow, my mind takes to reviewing all of today . . .

More than anything, it makes me smile. I think of the promise I have made to Stella, and my future plans of upholding it, no matter what. Although if he had just told me, none of this would've happened.

I would at least be strong and face the situations with my head held high because I'd have known that whatever was happening was my fault and that I had to live with it. There wasn't going to be any room for blame or tears and that would ensure a somewhat smoother living.

But it's in the past. I can't change that.

I sigh again with a grimace now and turn on my side, to hug Rosie and sleep this night too. Stella's words flash in front of my eyes, and I decide on giving my thoughts a rest. Though I'm completely unaware of what'll happen tomorrow, I count lamb chops--as opposed to sheep--until I slip into sleep, more or less happy for now.

We had been lying on our backs atop my bed, holding hands. The sun was streaming brightly through the window pane and the netted curtains and made magnificent patterns on the plain white ceiling. I watched them move when the curtains did, when suddenly I felt his eyes on me.

"What?" I asked, looking on my right into his beautiful hazel eyes.

"I was just thinking about how lucky I am."

"Yeah?" I smiled, turning to support myself up on my elbow.

"What does that make me?"

"The reason."  He answered and I grinned like a fool and kissed him. I knew he'd say something like that. It was cheesy, but it felt good hearing it from him.