HAVING BREAD ON THE BOARD

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"Alex. . . "

A voice summons from someplace afar, pulling me away from my dream. I stir and try to shake off whatever is shaking me, but I can't find my arms. I run into the arms of sleep again . . .

Sleep is good. I dream when I sleep. And I like what I dream about. . .

"Alex!"

That voice exclaims, more urgently, more stressful, and more closer this time. The shaking grows stronger, liquefying everything within me and sending it straight up. My lips tighten on impulse, but I still can't find my arms. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but sleep. . .

"Hey! Gently . . ." Chimes in another voice; calmer, softer.

But the shaking continues, and the first voice blares in my ear, sending a wave of pain exploding through my head.

Let me sleep, Stella!

I didn't know why it was important, but I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to face today.

I groan and turn on my side, and then a light bulb glows upstairs and my eyes flutter open.

Stella.

I know that name. I know that voice.

I wiggle my toes till they're fully awake and then sit up groggily, blinking the blinding white out of my eyes until finally, I see her.

My heart warms after a spark at the sight of her face, which glows like there was a halo around her head. How long has it been? Wasn't it just last night--

I freeze, letting the memories take over me.

Last night.

Bolts of cold and vicious lightning snake underneath my skin, obliterating everything I've been holding together. My lips tighten when they taste my stomach's contents, but it isn't enough. I grip the bed's railing with one hand and clamp the other to my mouth, watching Stella, Valerie and someone dressed in blue shuffle to their feet.

My molten insides push harder, and it's only time before I let go . . .

Two hands rub my back as I unabashedly throw up into a small ceramic bowl that Mandy holds out for me on my left. The air in my lungs thickens as I gasp for breath, and the back-rubbing continues.

"Let it out, baby girl . . . you're okay."

"I told Danny to take it easy with the morphine . . ." Valerie tuts, smoothing my hair out of the way. Mandy hands me a towel when I'm done, and I bury my face into it.

How did this happen?

I know I vowed not to think about it in that way, but I can't help the way the thoughts in the back of my head turn out, building, growing stronger . . .

"It's so good to see you . . ." A shadow envelops me, but I stay still when Stella's familiar scent wafts through my nose. I breathe in howmuch ever I can with the plastic tubes obstructing. Val said I needed them. Badly.

Everything that had happened expanses to great lengths right in front of my eyes now, and there is nothing I can do about it. Mandy's bed time story had helped, but only temporarily. When I think of the reality of it, the entirety, . . . oh God . . .

"Hey, calm down. . . " Stella fiercely rubs my back now and I hear the frantic tattoo of beeps from the heart rate monitor. I throw my hands around her and sob into her waist, drawing in quick and spluttered breaths.

"Sh . . . come on, baby girl. You're not supposed to be crying today . . ."

I'm not supposed to be here either!
I'm supposed to be at home in bed with Danny.
I'm supposed to wake Rosie up with a kiss.
I'm supposed to be making her chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.
I'm suppose to hear Danny say how much he loves my cooking.
I'm supposed to feel his lips on mine every five minutes without thinking about anything else.
I'm supposed to be happy . . . .

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