If Only...

IT ALL ENDS WITH BISCUITS AND WINE

I watch; fingers still twined and anxious, as we pass numerous trees and houses out the window in a blur.

I know that we've been driving for a while now so eventually we'll be there.

I both want it and don't want it to happen.

Agreed, I wasn't meeting my mother in the flesh, but I'm nervous. It feels like I am. And I don't know what's brought this on.

I've racked my brains in the past minutes trying to walk farthest down memory lane, but I can't get past that day.

The last thing I remember about my mother is her rage.

That gives me new doubts now. I know what Danny has said about her being at the hospital and talking about me, but . . . what if she doesn't like me visiting her grave? I mean, everything else aside, I left her alone during the most difficult and painful year of her life. Though I couldn't have taken it, it wasn't the right thing for me to have done. What kind of a daughter am I?

"We're here." Danny finally announces and pulls the car to a stop. Not a word is spoken after. He guides us into the small cemetery; the only cemetery, holding Rosie in his arms. I have told her everything about where we were going and what was coming, and it was her choice to come along. And I thought it fair to finally introduce her to her other grandma. About time.

Danny's legs come to a stand still in front of me, and I look up. He had already been gazing at me-- but with what, I'm not sure of.

His eyes then move infinitesimally to the tombstone in front of him, and my stomach feels like it's been thrown down 30,000 feet. Exhaling, biting my lip to keep it in, I take their side and drop my eyes to the single white marble tombstone in the grass, with some eroded carving on it.

Sarah Carlton

1976 - 2009

Mother To The Perfect Daughter

What?

My eyes are moist and my insides blaze by the time I'm done reading it.

"Who put that on?" I ask, running my fingers over the words that have just shook my world.

"Sarah did. She said she wanted that on. For the day you came back."

"But . . . "

I drop to my knees, palming the tombstone in the grass.

This doesn't make any sense.

If anything, it's the other way around!

She's not messing with me, is she?

Like on cue, a draft of wind blows past us, scattering the fallen leaves. I gasp and look up, and then back down. Call me crazy, but it feels like . . . like she can hear me.

"Mom?"

I don't get a reply, of course. That would be . . . crazy.

"Do you need a minute, love?"

"Huh? . . . No--I-I mean yes--I . . . "

What did she mean by that?

I feel deserted out of nowhere. This is too much to take on.

"Alex?"

"Let's go back." I gasp.

"What?"

I stand to my feet, but Danny blocks my way.

"Whoa, calm down."

"I've changed my mind. I don't wanna do this--" I choke.

"Calm down . . . "