Elizabella 'Ella' Adams had the perfect life on paper: caring family, stable job and a serious relationship. But sometimes moments come along in life which make you question whether what's on paper is enough for the heart. Sometimes people can come...
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The contents of my mind are still in disarray, with my thoughts being thrown around like the debris caught in a tornado, when the sound of the apartment door lock clicking attracts my attention. Looking up from the episode of Friends that is playing on the television, which I'm not actually focusing on but could probably still recite due to my numerous rewatch sessions, I find Jess looking around the room with surprise across her face.
"Woah, the apartment is freakishly clean." she tells me as she observes the largely decluttered room. And she probably thought that the state I had left the apartment in this morning was rather clean. "Oh, damn. What's got you stress cleaning this time?" she asks as her faces drops, realising the signs.
"Is it Lexi? Work? Your race car thingy not go good with Theo? What did Theo do?" she rambles as she moves to my side, eager like a dog sniffing for a bone.
"Theo didn't do anything Jess. It was all me." I reveal with a sigh, tightly embracing the pillow resting in my lap, while Charlie's head rests in my lap, as I look up guiltily at Jess.
"What do you mean? What'd you do?" she questions, taking her place on the other side of the couch next to Charlie. Somehow she still looks effortlessly stunning sitting here in her scrubs, even if she is drained after a long shift.
"I was judgmental and insensitive and just so unappreciative. We had such a great day and he did this really nice thing in planning it but I just had to just go ahead and screw it all up. I knew he was sensitive about his relationship with his father and his career and everything but I just acted like an idiot and went ahead pressing his buttons. And now I can't blame him for being angry with me or not wanting to see me." I explain.
"You're really impacted by this whole Theo thing right now, aren't you?" she wonders, eyebrows furrowed with curiosity as she observes me.
"I actually am." I confirm, running my fingers through Charlie's hair to try and distract myself.
She sighs as she seems to contemplate her next words.
"Could it be because you're actually starting to feel something for this guy?" she finally asks, without her usual teasing in her tone but rather genuine concern.
Now it is my turn to sigh as this common discussion makes its return to our conversation. I can't blame her. She doesn't even know about our little side activities during cooking today.
"Theo has just been a genuinely good friend lately and I hate that I've become the person who listens to gossip and hurts people." I tell her, with sincerity in this response.
Jess has always told me I'm too much of a people pleaser for my own good and, while this is true, I can also admit when I'm wrong. Because while she sees being a people pleaser as one of my downfalls, I can recognise being judgemental and pessimistic as some other negative qualities of mine. I expect the worse from people, sometimes rightfully so after being disappointed on numerous occasions, but this also prevents me from forming connections and memories. I've built myself up as a castle with walls soaring up high into the sky and a moat surrounding me, and so while I've been able to stop the negative things from reaching me I've also halted myself from escaping to better things. And now I've potentially found a better thing but I've forgotten that others just might have their walls up high and defence set up too, just like I do.
