Masquerade

Part Fourteen: A picture of yourself

Another one of these short notes.
We reached another thousand and even another milestone, top ten of Lumity, don't know how, but I am kinda proud, seeing my lil story side by side with some giants lol
Well, here we go again, I wish a pleasant time reading and a good week, I think everyone can use some calm hours these days.

I am just despicable, aren't I?
Just sitting her, self-loathing.
The water running down in streams along my body.
What would they think if they saw me like this?
Naked, red eyes from crying and weeping, like a child which lost its candy.

A pathetic chuckle escapes me.

Denial and realization, just an up and down forever.
I lift myself up, turning off the water.
Ignoring the ache in my leg I step out, limping isn't an option for me.
Slowly I walk to the mirror in the bathroom.
An awful look, some strains of wet hair fell on my face, covering the redlined eyes up.
Anger swells up, I just want to hit the reflection, shatter this part of me, in my whole life I never needed it and I never will.
Kindness drowns in our world, egoism lets you float at the surface.
An early lection for me, who would respect a clown, a goof?
A forced smile creeps on my face.
A chuckling echoing a bit.

Look at yourself, not the weak little girl anymore, aint ya?
I showed it, showed it all of them.
My hands clutch to the sink, the knuckles turning white.
The longer I look into the mirror, the more I grow proud of myself, another feeling creeps up but I can't really get myself to recognize it.
Three scars aren't a scratch in my beauty for me, letting my fingers slide along them it feels like I survived, survived everything the world throw at me.

And through what?

Honest work and being nice?

Kindness, generosity, only for the dumb and the weak, I am neither, no place for mercy,
just cold formality, just encounter most of the things without emotions.
Worked for me and every time I benefitted.
Time to maybe benefit a bit more.

The gate to the campus is unlocked, the shine of the sun is already a bit orange on the horizon,
but it seems like no one is around.
I walk slowly across the campus, I know where to search, how to progress.
Some cheap gloves, a small back, just pick it up and leave.
Nothing seems of, but as I get to grab something I stop for a moment.

Should I really do it?

Fuck the morale, god. I cant just live just with trust here, I nearly got killed twice in one week,
so a bit material for blackmail cant hurt.
As I leave, I let a quick glance drift across the place, nobody, no witnesses.
Strange to think like that, but everything for security.

Quick home, quick up the stairs and into my room.
My heart pumps as I limb to my bed, the ache in the leg got a bit worse, but who really cares?
Ignore it pussy, just pain, not more.

Gloves on.

As I sit on my bed I slowly pull it out, don't leave any traces, any damage, just some quick looks.

Who gets even hurt?

I flip it open, at first only short notes, some scribbles from study and other stuff.
I breath in deeply, not the sort of things I hoped for.
And suddenly, it smells like jackpot.

A little lock, sitting at the left, embedded in the middle of the book, hidden from plain sight, a small vault, if nothing is in there ill be damned.
Simple lock it seems, not the shit that's the default for diaries but a bit harder.
I try to remember some tricks, someone told me who to pick some of these locks,
but I cant even remember when.
Wait.
I grab the little hatch and it opens up, she forgot to lock it, god, she forgot to lock it in the stress.
"Hell yeah" I mutter to myself as I hold a pile off some pages in my hands.
As I flip through the pages I see some drawings, photos, notices, even some ... reports?
Don't mix em through, maybe she has some sort of special sorting system.

Slowly from page to page, read them through, mostly reports of daily activity, dry of emotions or other additions, looks like Amity is just stuck up, well raised or who is this called?
But it suddenly gets a bit more interesting.

A drawing, fine lines, even with shadows, it looks like a black-white photo.
A second one, same quality.
And in needly written letters the names, Edric and Emira.
Following are two sheets of paper, I whistle quiet, another report, no, more like a file on someone.
Personal informations and even an evaluation, at the bottom a signature,
"Very well" and in sweeping letters a name, Odalia ... Blight?
Did her mother signed her little spy files herself?
Kinda creepy if you ask me, I flip a bit further, some drawn pictures of the group from today, everyone with his own little info chart, every single one signed.
Most of the faces I cant even recognize, some are with an empty chart or only halfway filled.
This girl seems to collect more data than Facebook, either she wants the control in every situation or is just paranoid, maybe even both, who knows.
And as I think I saw everything , I hold another picture in my hands.

My own.

I lift it up, against the fading sunlight throughmy window, fine lines, it feels like she drew this one,
finer? Or is it just my imagination?
My heartbeat gets a bit more pumped up.

A smiling self looks back at me, every detail looks so real, but at the same time its just... not me?
I toss it besides, dont think about it, dont ...

But my thoughts are faster.

I feel it everytime I look into a reflection of myself.

Estranged, distant, numb.
Like an empty shell, body and mind so different.