Masquerade

26: The mistakes that formed me

An update before we start, I currently continue where the old author left off and got me in as replacement, hope I can hold up the quality and accomplish at least some continuity.

„A story?", I ask, looking a bad more surprised than I want to let on,
„You don't think just because I look like a nerd I can't fuck up?", she scoffs, a crooked smile on her face, she breathes out, leaning back a bit.
„You will understand once we reach its end".
Leaning back a bit myself, I look at her with some unease, in whole, she looks like just thinking about it drained her energy, suddenly looking tired.

„It was ....

A small town in the north of the United States, nobody thought that the cold war could just end in some years, the mid eighties, still some wonderful years, looking away from the fear and stigmata.
Just some family, two daughters, the father owning a carpentry company, the mother being a head nurse at a hospital. A small house and perfect family life, as both daughters excelled at school, the father and mother loved each other unconditional and as hate never seemed to flourish between all four of them.
Oh how perfect it all looked, yet there are always cracks, you can't look into people, most of the time, all what you see is their smile and no suspicions about how broken they really are.
„Hey Lily, are you even listening?", an upbeat voice to my left side, wild orange hair, just swaying a bit as the wind brushes by.
„Yeah, I'm listening, just got carried away a bit", I just laugh it off, awkwardly, adjusting my glasses so my hands don't idly fidget.
Her smile, the little tooth-gap, the bandaid on her cheek, her imperfections just seem to let her shine brighter, maybe its just her self esteem, that she simply doesn't care, whatever it is, I lack it.

We walk a bit in silence before she turns back to me,
„You still didn't answer me, you know its kinda rude", she bumps me playfully in the side, I think the chuckle that I let out sounds more fake when I want it to be,
„No idea who I will ask to grom", something in me just stings at me saying it,
„Yeah, me too, I feel like I should just skip it".
I look at her, genuinely surprised,
„You skip grom?",
„No biggy, if it's as boring as the Blast this year", she lets out a whistle, „Grom will be as lame as it too".
I forgot, she got invited to the Blast, by one of the Belos brothers and boring old Lily got to stay at home, vouching that Eda just went to bed early.
This jealousy feels wrong, so unjustified, like bile clawing its way up my throat, I want to just suck it up, accept it, just realize that some of this is my own fault... but it just won't budge.
„Hey, earth to Lily! I wont forget my question",
„As you would ever forget something", I chuckle,
„SHould I set you up with someone? Ohh, i just know *someone*",
„Edalynn!", i whisper, nudging her into her side.
This toothy grin looking back, all framed by this orange mess.

„If you think I ever gave a fuck about being popular, you're wrong", I say leaning back,
trying to keep a cold face, being one of the cool kids, I can feel her, this urge to be a part.
„We are close to the core of things, maybe I should jump a bit, three months, just days away from grom"

Its one of those days, where just laugh at your own helplessness, where you want to be happy for someone, but at the same time, your whole world crumples.
Just sitting there, on my bed, legs to my chest, just hugging them, I want to cry, do something, but it feels so empty, another try, another rejection.

I am just not my sister.

„Lily?", the door creeks open, another moment where I wish I wouldn't share a bedroom with my sister.
It boils in me, forever being second, in the eyes of mom and dad, in school, everywhere.
Why is everything so seemingly easy for her, like she has to put no effort into things?
„Everything okay?", a gentle touch on my shoulder, as my head rests on my knees, don't cry, just don't...

Just a small sob

„Is it because of grom, did he reject you, I can organize a thing or...".
It boils over, all of this bile spilling over, running free.
I swat away her hand, almost jumping into an upright position,
„Maybe I don't always need your fucking help Edalynn", mom and dad won't be home until evening, only her ears there to hear me scream.
„Its always little perfect Edalynn, Im a fucking flower in the shadow of a tree", her eyes looked widened in shock, taken by surprise from my outburst, my heart aches.
„All of this because this dumb event?", she doesn't understand, she never will,
„This dumb event is everything to most of them! But what is it to someone who doesn't even have to try", a warm sensation, as tears roll over my cheeks,
„Never had to try? Do you even know hard I worked for some of this shit? How hard I tried to help you?", she seems to slowly talk herself into rage too.
„When did you have to try, Edalynn? When mom decided to huddle little Edalynn, when the upper class kids just choose you to be special?",
„You think this is so cool? So exciting? The shit i did just for them to notice me, it wasn't worth it, what are they but just people who are so full of themselves, yeah, maybe two are cool, but the rest is just dogshit",
„Because you would know, Edalynn, because your ability to judge a human being is so good, should I remind you of Tyler?".
Tears dwell in her eyes, she's biting her lip, she just chuckles, frustration in her eyes.
„Yeah, you are right Lily, I really suck at that, part of me really believed you were above all this shit".

A slammed door, a silence that laid heavy on the house, two parents who would never understand why their daughters stopped talking to each over.

I went alone to grom, she came too, accompanied by ...

„Let me guess, you tried to Carry her?",
„What?", she seems confused,
„Like with pig blood while she is being crowned prom queen?".
The heavy silence she spoke about seems to take control of the room.
„I... roofied her", she presses it out quietly, „I was dumb, thought everyone would talk about that Eda was blasted just after some hours and yet, the only thing that happened was that she arrived at noon back home, only complaining about a minor hangover".
Her eyes lay heavy with regret, the asshole part in me just wants to laugh, but something is there, something more...
„I was relieved, at first I feared she died, but then, I felt unsatisfied, can you imagine? You wish that something bad happens to your sister, yet it already happened".
I watch in silence, as she plays with her sleeve, just looking at the floor.
„Dad had a pretty bad accident a few weeks later, I was out of town, trying to find a fitting college, he needed blood, Edalynn donated it and anew, I felt so useless...",
„Sorry, but what does this have to do with the story?", it sounds rude, I want it to sound rude, I hate that it sounds rude.
She takes a deep breathe, looking at me the first time since she began telling her story.
„She didn't even make it out of the hospital, and after some tests, the doctor didn't knew what was wrong, just a cold, I didn't knew what I had pushed her in when roofiing her",
„Did she contracted some virus from that night?",
„She contracted AIDS, Luz and I am the reason for it"