Masquerade

Part Two: Enemy within

With the time the surroundings become a bit more civilized.
Some buildings fly along as the car rushes straight forward, right to my new "parents" a new "home".
"Can I smoke in here?" I ask more of boredom than of interest, the answer is gonna be a no,
"You smoke?" his voice clearly carries concern or perhaps also fright,
"My last family had nothing against it, so?",
"Perhaps it was good that you fled from you" relief in his voice, maybe he thinks now I ran because of their habits.
"Whatever, so can I?",
"God no, it is gonna kill you, if you have luck it harms you".

With a smooth and swift grab he has the pack, I just hold, in his hands and throws it out of the window.
With suppressed anger in my voice I say,
"Fantastic, now you not only threw my cigarettes away, no, you also litter the goddamn place",
"It is for your own safety, ok?",
"Everyone says that, looks like every human on the planet knows what is the best for me, except myself",
"Grown ups have just more experience than you possibly could".

Being belittled, again and again, it nearly provoked me to just punch him in his face.
But yeah, some adult with a degree and a house surely have much more experience on everything in the world. Don't question it, don't ask about that.
If it wasn't that he is driving I surely would have punched him, but now I just tighten the grip at the handle of the car door, just suppressing it, as always.
"By the way, at which time we arrive?"
"Under half an hour, are you happy to see your new family?",
"No, I am honest with you"

He give me a questioning look through the mirror,
"Why do you run away from every family? There were some nice ones",
"You wouldn't get it",
"I am just interested, you decline every chance of becoming a part of a family",
"I was a part of a family and it wasn't me who wanted to leave it, so what? Just forget my old family and act like nothing ever happened?".

He goes silent.
"That is another thing, as I prepared your new mother for your arrival, we went through your old papers, but there just sparely information about your original family, who were Miss and Mister Pittsburgh?",
"Nice people, honest people, my father stand for his believes".
He sighs,
"Luz, many victims see it like this, there must have been a reason, why they took you from them, it is..",
"You know shit, fucker, you have no damn idea who my parents were, caring ones, they only saw the best in people, so don't talk like the were methheads"
Pain, anger, regret, it swap with my voice, my hand begin to the shake.
I just stare forward, I shouldn't have done this I thought, as the cold shock run, sweat appearing on my forehead.

The clicking, metal on metal, then the sound of the cocking.

"I must get out of here!",
I clench my hand harder at the door, hardly holding back tears.
To my surprise he complies promptly, driving on a small parking place.
Getting out of this cramped space, fast.
As the car halts, I open the door and hardly get to the stripe of grass before puking my breakfast all over it.
With the wave of disgust shooting in my brain I cant hold back the tears.
Nearly collapsing I prop myself at the curb, whimpering, the tears just flow down my cheeks, leaving salty trails of my weakness.
Even after all this years, I cant just forget it, cant drown it in ignorance, new memories.
It crawls even out of the deepest cave when hearing a trigger and infect my mind.

Standing on shaking legs and with the taste of vomit in my mouth ,I make my way back to the car.
"Is it ok now? You sat there like eight minutes just crying?", real concern, honest one, understandable one, even I would be find it odd if that happens.
"I am fine", sure, it isn't very convincing when someone with a shaky and rough says it,
but he accepts it.
Back in the car I just look down on my feet, no thoughts crossing my mind.
"I am sorry if I triggered it",
I stay silent, not one thought, it cant contaminate my brain again,
"Ever tried to get help for this?",
I just nod the head, none of the therapist were great of a help.

"I forgot it, but it seems like you have to wait a bit before getting home, something got in between,
it looks like, the first night in the city you have to sleep in a motel, it's a fine one, so don't worry".
I nod, counting my fingers again, ten after ten after ten. It keeps a steady flow of thoughts, over numbers also come in my mind, the shaking is now reduced to a little tremor.
What did I just expected?
It gonna continues as it ended, a loop of being damned.