A Promise Gone Wrong

Chapter Twenty-One: Bambi

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"Hey, Dad," I mutter after chewing some apple slices dipped in peanut butter. He glances over the top of his reading glasses at me, setting the book he's been reading down on the side of his hospital bed. "When you were younger, you said that you used to fool around a lot until you met Mom. What made her different?"

Humming, he shifts his gaze to the ceiling as he taps his chin with a finger. "There were numerous reason," he eventually spills, "but at the root I have to say I realized she was the one girl I couldn't bare to hurt. She was always pure-hearted and so ridiculously generous with her time, money, and love. I thought I would always enjoy a good chase, someone who would play hard to get." As he explains, his eyes seem to glaze over like he's envisioning their past together. "Your mom didn't care for all of that. She had been hurt by guys who took advantage of her kindness. I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to ever be a reason why she would cry unless they were the tears of joy on our wedding day."

My lips part in awe of him, but then I suck in a breath and avert my line of vision to the floor. Thinking about yesterday, and how much I just wanted to see her smile, I can't deny my feelings anymore. I am falling in love with her more and more each day.

Is that too fast? If I say it to her-- will she believe me? Can I say it? In the past, I've only dropped the word during sex. It happened with my exes as well as a couple of bets. Of course, afterwards I knew I didn't really mean it. What if I say it now and end up changing my mind? I'd like to think better of myself, promise that I wouldn't go back on it, but-- ever since my dad got sick again my heart has been numb. I've hurt over a dozen girls just this past year and don't care even now.

When it comes to my family I'm no better. I cut off contact with cousins, cuss out aunts and uncles, and ignore my grandparents any time they stop by for a visit. Talking to Luke reminded me why. I got in so much trouble when I refused to believe he was going to survive his cancer. He fainted on my birthday, and the first thought I had was that it was my fault for doubting, that his cancer got worse because I took too long to be hopeful. No one apologized for how they had treated me prior which only convinced me more that I'm the reason he's back in this coffin of a building.

Every time I think about it, my heart fills with hate and leave no room for love.

Maybe that's why I couldn't apologize to my mom last night.

"Why do you bring it up?" Dad asks, rescuing me from my thoughts.

Nibbling on my lower lip, I set my snack aside on a table and rest my elbows on my knees. "I don't know," I groan, pushing a hand into my hair until my fingers get tangled. Instead of asking more, he just waits and watches as I begin tapping a foot. "I mean-- I--" trailing off, I lower my hands to rest my chin in the palms.

I've heard of people being afraid to love, but my fear is that I'm incapable of loving.

"Cameron, you don't have to pressure yourself. It's clear that you care about Rebecca. For now, that's enough," he counsels, his words relieving tension in my neck and shoulders. "You guys are young and will have plenty of time to figure out where your relationship will go. Just keep having fun and spending time together."

Huh.

"Do you think it's dumb that I feel this way so soon?" I wonder, knowing he is aware that I've only been dating Rebecca for a few months.

Chuckling, he shakes his head. "Not at all, Kiddo. I haven't seen much of you two with my own eyes, but from what I hear from your friends and brother, she is a breath of fresh air for you."